ITB Olympics to arrive in 2016

I haven’t been keeping up with the Olympics, because I don’t care about other countries, but I’ve recently learned that they are taking place in China, which infuriates me. I can’t believe we actually allowed U.S. citizens to compete in such a miserable country that has been attempting to harm our children for years. I realized that it was up to me to put a stop to this. I successfully bribed the IOC, and as a result ITB will be hosting it's own Olympics in 2016. This gives me plenty of time to turn the Hotel ITB in Cameron Village into an Olympic Village that will house competitors from the different ITB zip codes. I’m not allowing other countries to participate for obvious reasons.

The opening ceremonies will begin at Broughton as members from each ITB zip code form a parade of SUVs and travel through Cameron Village ending at Felson’s. Why walk when you can drive? Athletes will proudly represent their zip code by wearing whichever pastel polo the hottest ITB MILF from each zip code chooses.

The ITB Olympics will only contain one event. The ITB Decathlon, which is actually ten different events that test an ITBers endurance, tolerance for drugs and alcohol, ability to drive drunk, and how good their parent’s lawyers are. Performance is based on the athlete’s BAC level and the results of their toxicology report, not on whether they actually finish the event. Events take place from Thursday night to Sunday morning and can be completed as quickly or slowly as the athletes choose. However, athletes are advised to get housed on Saturday night, since the scores are calculated on Sunday morning. As I said earlier, no outsiders can compete in these events. Unfortunately, there are some gel heads who have managed to sneak inside the beltline, residing in the shitty 27601 zip code. Even though they can participate, they won’t pass the mandatory gel head drug tests, which test for creatine, HGH, anabolic steroids, Red Bull, Rockstar, and the gene that causes douchebaggery. The ITB Decathlon consists of these 10 events:

1.) The Crowley’s to Felson’s 15,000 milliliters (507 fluid ounces) Relay
This event won’t be too difficult for the athletes representing the ITB section of 27609, due to the fact that they’ve been getting drunk at Crowley’s since the age of 11. The event will begin at Crowley’s and end at Felson's, or whatever it’s called in 8 years after it's gone through another 4 or 5 name changes. Athletes will consume half of the required 15,000ml (about 22 beers or 85 jager bombs) of alcohol at Crowley’s. After driving down the back roads and avoiding the police, athletes will arrive at Felson’s and consume the remaining 22 beers or 85 jager bombs to reach the 15,000 milliliter total. Athletes may also substitute grams of drugs in place of milliliters of alcohol if they can figure out how to use the metric system. Once finished, they must be able to spend 10 minutes on the dance floor without passing out or breaking any bottles/glasses.

2.) Swimming - Michael Phelps won gold in China, but he’s not even allowed in our swimming event, held at CCC. Why would we ever let non-members compete against us? As always, the CCC swim team will be divided in half, creating two teams that will swim against each other. We don’t let outsiders in our pool because we’d have to tear out the pool and build a new one after each race, (chlorine shocking and draining the pool doesn’t always remove 100% of OTB filth.)

3.) Cycling – Hailing from the shitty part of 27605, Flash will be the lone contestant in this event. For those of you who don't know, Flash is a bike-riding-semi-homeless ITB Icon and will be discussed in more detail at a later date. To convince him to participate, I will offer him a ham and cheese sandwich, a lifetime CAPS pass for all BHS sporting events (home and away), and will have his restraining order against the current Broughton Volleyball team lifted. Flash has spent the last 15 years training for this event by biking to every BHS home and away game as well as to Daniels Middle School, where he attempts to befriend children between the ages of 11 and 13.

4.) Shot put - athletes must put hundreds of shots on their credit card and consume them all before 2:00am. Whoever has the highest bar tab and doesn’t get caught by the police while driving home wins. First person to throw up loses.

5.) Discus(s) - after receiving their bar tabs at 2:15 am, athletes must discus(s) the outrageous charges on their bar tabs with the bartender in hopes of reducing the insanely high total. Successful techniques to use in this event include “Do you know who the fuck I am?!” or “I could buy this place, I own this town!”

6.) Gymnastics (floor exercise) – this event occurs on the Felson's dance floor and athletes must end the event with a late night hook up.

7.) Multi-million dollar mansion burning - athletes must find a $3 million mansion, that is in the process of being built, and burn it to the ground without being caught. Bonus points for taking out an insurance policy before burning down your own multi-million dollar house, and committing insurance fraud. (In a future post, I’ll explain to you OTBers why we dominate this event.)

8.) Adolescent Vandalism – athletes between the ages of 15 and 17 must consume a case of alcohol then drive their parent’s SUV around the 27605, 27609 zip codes destroying mailboxes or other private property. Shooting old women with paintball guns during the day is also acceptable.

9.) Skeet Shooting – this event takes place in the bathrooms of my favorite bar between two consenting athletes above the age of 15. Bonus points are awarded for the largest age difference between participants.

10.) The Dan Allen Challenge – participants must traverse their way down Dan Allen Dr. in their SUV while holding a beer can at the 12 position on the steering wheel, while also blaring "Ridin' Dirty" with 4 underage girls and 2 of their friends in the backseat taking a fifth of liquor and 2 cases of beer to the face. Being pulled over, failing a sobriety test, and getting a DUI are all acceptable, as long as the athlete’s badass lawyers get them off.

This concludes the ITB Olympics. True ITB zip codes are sure to dominate these games. I’m not sure what the medals will consist of since Jolly’s Jewelers didn’t take me seriously when I asked if they could forge gold, silver, and bronze ITB medals for the winners. I’m open to suggestions.

True Colors

There is a new bar on Gelwood South that has shown it’s true colors over the past month by repeatedly discriminating against my ITB friends. Last weekend, some friends of mine tried to go to Brooklyn Heights, before going to Felson’s of course. I know what you’re thinking, “they must have already been blackout if they were downtown somewhere other than Sullivan’s or Blue Martini” and I agree. At the gate which surrounds Brooklyn Heights, they were greeted and let in by the bouncer, only to be stopped as they reached the door to the bar. The bar manager came outside and told them to wait there on the front porch. He went inside then returned with an 8.5x11 sheet of printer paper, which he taped to the door. He then told them “Sorry, can’t let you guys in, you don’t meet the dress code.” They read the following sign in disbelief,

Dress Code
No pastel Polos
No whale attire (they mean Vineyard Vines, they’re just too poor to know what brand the whale represents)
No sunglasses at night
No fish belts
No Sperrys/docksiders (they mean topsiders, you can't blame them though, they've probably never been on anything bigger than the paddle boats at Silver Lake)

Based on this Dress Code, all of my ITB friends were denied entry. While most of them were breaking every rule on this list, they were mainly turned away for breaking the “no pastel Polos” rule. It is now blatantly obvious that Brooklyn Heights discriminates against potential customers on the basis of color……of their shirts. It’s perfectly acceptable to discriminate against others, I do it every day. I judge others based on what kind of car they drive, their country club membership (or lack thereof), where they went to high school, and their zip code; but never on the basis of color. Brooklyn Heights takes it to a whole new level.

Sporting pastel colored clothing has always been a sign of ITBness. I can wear a pink shirt because I'm better than you. You can’t wear a pink shirt because your Millbrook classmates will beat the shit out of you. The rest of this list bans pretty much my entire ITB wardrobe, which means I’ll never be allowed in this bar. I guess I’ll just have to stick to my normal routine of going to Felson’s before I go to Felson’s.

This passes the Dress Code, but my $80 Polo doesn't.

Their membership agreement, important parts in bold:

We, the owners of Brooklyn Heights, have formed a bar in order to cater to those persons who desire a private place to pursue their common interests including, but not limited to, the live performance of music and the sampling of a variety of spirituous liquors in an atmosphere that is distinctly different from other venues within the City of Raleigh. Membership is limited to those persons over the age of twenty-one who express a desire to increase their knowledge in the areas outlined above and a willingness to abide by all club Rules and Regulations. We appreciate your interest in Brooklyn Heights and upon acceptance and receipt of a membership fee, which will entitle the member to entrance as well as the opportunity to enjoy the pursuit of our common interests within the confines of Brooklyn Heights including but not limited to the sampling of a variety of spirituous liquors, you will receive a numbered membership card that should be kept on your person when visiting Brooklyn Heights.

This isn’t Dead Poet’s Society, you are just a shitty bar on Gelwood South. If by “distinctly different,” you mean “run down shack,” then yes you are a distinctly different venue. I’ll be shocked if your “venue” is still standing after hurricane season. From reading the agreement, I think they’re trying to attract what I call “pseudo intellectuals.” These are people that think, “I’m smarter than everyone because I read the Independent, listen to indie rock, don’t watch television (except for “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report”) and try to protect the environment, all while wearing clothes that are too small for me.” I hate wasting my time discussing pseudo-intellectuals as much as they hate “the establishment,” but people need to know how miserable they are. They think they’re cultured because they “branch out” by trying new things, listening to new music, and attending different bars and restaurants. I don’t try new things because I know what I like. There is no possible way that anything else is better than my current lifestyle. The truth is, these pseudo intellectuals are really just mildly retarded, mouth breathers who are trying to appear intelligent. Go ahead and change your membership agreement from “pursuit of our common interests” to “commoner interests” because all these people do is sit around and talk about that new indie rock band that no one else knows about and how they’re going to save the environment by using “alternative fuels” or “green energy” or some other imaginary concept. Their ideas always have a huge impact, especially the time they created a Facebook group that encouraged everyone to boycott gas stations on the same day. Exxon barely recovered from that brilliant plan. Eventually, the gel heads will take over Brooklyn Heights, like the disease that they are, and the pseudo intellectuals will be forced to go back to Cup a Joe or Raleigh Times.

I don’t know how the management will deal with the infestation of gel heads, since this is how the owners deal with important decisions. “We didn't have a plan; we just winged the whole thing and relied on everyone's input." Great business model, jackass. That’s almost as smart as the time Crowley’s came up with a business plan to start selling coke from behind the bar and in vending machines in the bathrooms. Good thing they had ITB lawyers on retainer to bail them out.

Brooklyn Heights will eventually pay for their discriminatory practices. Even though Felson’s is exclusive, we do allow the gel heads entry every 3 months, just so they’ll be forced to buy overpriced drinks and realize that they're still below us in every imaginable way. Trying to keep a bar open based on non-ITB bar tabs alone is impossible. Pseudo intellectuals don’t even have real jobs. They barely make enough to eat from their jobs at coffee shops and used bookstores, which is probably why they’re so thin. Gel heads certainly can’t afford the $300 nightly bar tabs that we drop like spare change. Three hundred dollars to them is a month’s worth of protein shakes and products from GNC. Good luck trying to make money. In this world of pink, yellow, peach, and sea foam green can’t we all just get along? I don’t actually want to hang out with you guys, I just want to go to your bar for 15 minutes to remind me that Felson’s is still the greatest bar in the world.

Takin’ It To The Streets

You've all heard about the 300 person, gang-related, Mall Brawl at Triangle Town Center by now. I don't actually know where that is because it's so far outside the beltline, but I'm told it's in Raleigh. What hasn’t been emphasized enough is that the mall cops and Raleigh Police did a great job of cracking down on gang related crime by arresting 6 out of the 300 people (gang members) involved. For those of you too lazy to do the math or for any Garner residents reading this, that means that the police arrested a grand total of 2% of the participants. It’s great to see that my tax dollars, which should be paying for a portion of the ITB renovation plan, are being wasted on trying to decrease gang related crime. I don't care about gang violence because it’s nonexistent where I live and in any areas that I frequent on a daily basis, mainly Cameron Village. The closest thing to a brawl that Cameron Village has seen, other than the "fights" that took place in the parking lot of Felson's, was that time when two ITB moms fought to the death in the middle of Charlotte’s over the only remaining Deb related item in stock. I think it was a pair of gloves or a stool, either way it was extremely important. This cougar fight occurred on the same day that two BHS seniors threatened to get out of their SUVs to fight each other over a parking spot in front of Village Deli. That day was so intense that it continued to be the main topic of discussion at Pasta Night at the Club for at least six weeks. My stance on gangs changed last weekend when I became a victim and was personally affected by this rise in gang related violence. While driving to late night, three of my ITB friends and I were pulled over and profiled by a cop. Citing recent gang violence as his reason for pulling me over, he accused us of being gang affiliated just because we were all wearing similar colored Polo shirts, the same Patagonia shorts, Costa del mar sunglasses with croakies, and topsiders. I explained that I'm not in a gang because I refuse take orders from anyone. Taking orders from others is for employees at fast food restaurants, people in the service industry, and the bartenders at Felson's. Having been personally affected, the cops made me late for late night, by this rise in gang related crime; I’ve realized that we must end gang violence immediately. 99% of our problems (but a bitch ain't one) would be solved if we just gave gang members guns and let them take care of their own problems. At least that would get them off the streets (and six feet into the ground) a lot more efficiently than the cops, with their amazing 2% arrest rate. Some say education “contributes” to the rise in gang membership, claiming that students are getting less one on one attention due to overcrowded schools. We wouldn’t have this problem if the short sighted city council would just give in and help fund my wall around the beltline. (I’m still waiting on Viktor, I’m starting to wonder if he’s ok) If all of these border-crossing intruder commoners weren’t crowding up our schools by attempting to get an education, teachers could actually focus on giving the potential gang members the D+ grade they deserved. Broughton never had this problem; failing students were simply promoted to the next grade in order to keep our graduation rates up.

While I'm on the topic of gangs, I want to address the unfortunate fact that Raleigh has landed on another Top 10 list. This time Raleigh was rated as one of the best "gay ghettos" in the country. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no homophobe, the more gay guys there are the more girls there are for me. The reason it’s unfortunate is because every time Raleigh makes one of these Top 10 lists the probability of commoners moving here increases. I’ll address one of the major causes of this problem soon. What confuses me is why a group that fights so hard for equal rights would use the term “ghetto” to refer to their ideal place to live. People in the ghetto don’t even want to live in the ghetto. The Top 10 list describes Raleigh as a place that “benefits from an expanding arts and entertainment scene and an overabundance of renowned universities and high-tech industries. Raleigh is also fast becoming a capital city for LGBT communities. Housing is affordable; upside economic and population growth potential is strong, and it is centrally located between the pristine Outer Banks coastal region and the wildly popular Blue Ridge Mountains.” I don’t see the connection between a real ghetto and the aspects of Raleigh that you described, but by all means, feel free to make yourselves at home in our downtown ghettos.

On right: a great little fixer-upper in the ghetto.

In order to survive, you’re going to want to form a gayng right from the start. Sure, the homocide rates will skyrocket when you first move in and try to spruce up the dilapidated “houses” with new color schemes and shit from Crate and Barrel, but they should level out after you guys establish some street cred and decide on some gang signs and colors (try to avoid clothes that sparkle). I’m sure you’ll eventually assimilate and fit in well with the existing residents. If all goes well, you should be able to release your first rap album within six months. I can’t wait to hear the first hot single on the dance floor at Felson’s. Until then, I’m going to see what I can do about getting some guns in the hands of the people who need them the most, gang members.