True Colors

There is a new bar on Gelwood South that has shown it’s true colors over the past month by repeatedly discriminating against my ITB friends. Last weekend, some friends of mine tried to go to Brooklyn Heights, before going to Felson’s of course. I know what you’re thinking, “they must have already been blackout if they were downtown somewhere other than Sullivan’s or Blue Martini” and I agree. At the gate which surrounds Brooklyn Heights, they were greeted and let in by the bouncer, only to be stopped as they reached the door to the bar. The bar manager came outside and told them to wait there on the front porch. He went inside then returned with an 8.5x11 sheet of printer paper, which he taped to the door. He then told them “Sorry, can’t let you guys in, you don’t meet the dress code.” They read the following sign in disbelief,

Dress Code
No pastel Polos
No whale attire (they mean Vineyard Vines, they’re just too poor to know what brand the whale represents)
No sunglasses at night
No fish belts
No Sperrys/docksiders (they mean topsiders, you can't blame them though, they've probably never been on anything bigger than the paddle boats at Silver Lake)

Based on this Dress Code, all of my ITB friends were denied entry. While most of them were breaking every rule on this list, they were mainly turned away for breaking the “no pastel Polos” rule. It is now blatantly obvious that Brooklyn Heights discriminates against potential customers on the basis of color……of their shirts. It’s perfectly acceptable to discriminate against others, I do it every day. I judge others based on what kind of car they drive, their country club membership (or lack thereof), where they went to high school, and their zip code; but never on the basis of color. Brooklyn Heights takes it to a whole new level.

Sporting pastel colored clothing has always been a sign of ITBness. I can wear a pink shirt because I'm better than you. You can’t wear a pink shirt because your Millbrook classmates will beat the shit out of you. The rest of this list bans pretty much my entire ITB wardrobe, which means I’ll never be allowed in this bar. I guess I’ll just have to stick to my normal routine of going to Felson’s before I go to Felson’s.

This passes the Dress Code, but my $80 Polo doesn't.

Their membership agreement, important parts in bold:

We, the owners of Brooklyn Heights, have formed a bar in order to cater to those persons who desire a private place to pursue their common interests including, but not limited to, the live performance of music and the sampling of a variety of spirituous liquors in an atmosphere that is distinctly different from other venues within the City of Raleigh. Membership is limited to those persons over the age of twenty-one who express a desire to increase their knowledge in the areas outlined above and a willingness to abide by all club Rules and Regulations. We appreciate your interest in Brooklyn Heights and upon acceptance and receipt of a membership fee, which will entitle the member to entrance as well as the opportunity to enjoy the pursuit of our common interests within the confines of Brooklyn Heights including but not limited to the sampling of a variety of spirituous liquors, you will receive a numbered membership card that should be kept on your person when visiting Brooklyn Heights.

This isn’t Dead Poet’s Society, you are just a shitty bar on Gelwood South. If by “distinctly different,” you mean “run down shack,” then yes you are a distinctly different venue. I’ll be shocked if your “venue” is still standing after hurricane season. From reading the agreement, I think they’re trying to attract what I call “pseudo intellectuals.” These are people that think, “I’m smarter than everyone because I read the Independent, listen to indie rock, don’t watch television (except for “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report”) and try to protect the environment, all while wearing clothes that are too small for me.” I hate wasting my time discussing pseudo-intellectuals as much as they hate “the establishment,” but people need to know how miserable they are. They think they’re cultured because they “branch out” by trying new things, listening to new music, and attending different bars and restaurants. I don’t try new things because I know what I like. There is no possible way that anything else is better than my current lifestyle. The truth is, these pseudo intellectuals are really just mildly retarded, mouth breathers who are trying to appear intelligent. Go ahead and change your membership agreement from “pursuit of our common interests” to “commoner interests” because all these people do is sit around and talk about that new indie rock band that no one else knows about and how they’re going to save the environment by using “alternative fuels” or “green energy” or some other imaginary concept. Their ideas always have a huge impact, especially the time they created a Facebook group that encouraged everyone to boycott gas stations on the same day. Exxon barely recovered from that brilliant plan. Eventually, the gel heads will take over Brooklyn Heights, like the disease that they are, and the pseudo intellectuals will be forced to go back to Cup a Joe or Raleigh Times.

I don’t know how the management will deal with the infestation of gel heads, since this is how the owners deal with important decisions. “We didn't have a plan; we just winged the whole thing and relied on everyone's input." Great business model, jackass. That’s almost as smart as the time Crowley’s came up with a business plan to start selling coke from behind the bar and in vending machines in the bathrooms. Good thing they had ITB lawyers on retainer to bail them out.

Brooklyn Heights will eventually pay for their discriminatory practices. Even though Felson’s is exclusive, we do allow the gel heads entry every 3 months, just so they’ll be forced to buy overpriced drinks and realize that they're still below us in every imaginable way. Trying to keep a bar open based on non-ITB bar tabs alone is impossible. Pseudo intellectuals don’t even have real jobs. They barely make enough to eat from their jobs at coffee shops and used bookstores, which is probably why they’re so thin. Gel heads certainly can’t afford the $300 nightly bar tabs that we drop like spare change. Three hundred dollars to them is a month’s worth of protein shakes and products from GNC. Good luck trying to make money. In this world of pink, yellow, peach, and sea foam green can’t we all just get along? I don’t actually want to hang out with you guys, I just want to go to your bar for 15 minutes to remind me that Felson’s is still the greatest bar in the world.