Takin’ It To The Streets

You've all heard about the 300 person, gang-related, Mall Brawl at Triangle Town Center by now. I don't actually know where that is because it's so far outside the beltline, but I'm told it's in Raleigh. What hasn’t been emphasized enough is that the mall cops and Raleigh Police did a great job of cracking down on gang related crime by arresting 6 out of the 300 people (gang members) involved. For those of you too lazy to do the math or for any Garner residents reading this, that means that the police arrested a grand total of 2% of the participants. It’s great to see that my tax dollars, which should be paying for a portion of the ITB renovation plan, are being wasted on trying to decrease gang related crime. I don't care about gang violence because it’s nonexistent where I live and in any areas that I frequent on a daily basis, mainly Cameron Village. The closest thing to a brawl that Cameron Village has seen, other than the "fights" that took place in the parking lot of Felson's, was that time when two ITB moms fought to the death in the middle of Charlotte’s over the only remaining Deb related item in stock. I think it was a pair of gloves or a stool, either way it was extremely important. This cougar fight occurred on the same day that two BHS seniors threatened to get out of their SUVs to fight each other over a parking spot in front of Village Deli. That day was so intense that it continued to be the main topic of discussion at Pasta Night at the Club for at least six weeks. My stance on gangs changed last weekend when I became a victim and was personally affected by this rise in gang related violence. While driving to late night, three of my ITB friends and I were pulled over and profiled by a cop. Citing recent gang violence as his reason for pulling me over, he accused us of being gang affiliated just because we were all wearing similar colored Polo shirts, the same Patagonia shorts, Costa del mar sunglasses with croakies, and topsiders. I explained that I'm not in a gang because I refuse take orders from anyone. Taking orders from others is for employees at fast food restaurants, people in the service industry, and the bartenders at Felson's. Having been personally affected, the cops made me late for late night, by this rise in gang related crime; I’ve realized that we must end gang violence immediately. 99% of our problems (but a bitch ain't one) would be solved if we just gave gang members guns and let them take care of their own problems. At least that would get them off the streets (and six feet into the ground) a lot more efficiently than the cops, with their amazing 2% arrest rate. Some say education “contributes” to the rise in gang membership, claiming that students are getting less one on one attention due to overcrowded schools. We wouldn’t have this problem if the short sighted city council would just give in and help fund my wall around the beltline. (I’m still waiting on Viktor, I’m starting to wonder if he’s ok) If all of these border-crossing intruder commoners weren’t crowding up our schools by attempting to get an education, teachers could actually focus on giving the potential gang members the D+ grade they deserved. Broughton never had this problem; failing students were simply promoted to the next grade in order to keep our graduation rates up.

While I'm on the topic of gangs, I want to address the unfortunate fact that Raleigh has landed on another Top 10 list. This time Raleigh was rated as one of the best "gay ghettos" in the country. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no homophobe, the more gay guys there are the more girls there are for me. The reason it’s unfortunate is because every time Raleigh makes one of these Top 10 lists the probability of commoners moving here increases. I’ll address one of the major causes of this problem soon. What confuses me is why a group that fights so hard for equal rights would use the term “ghetto” to refer to their ideal place to live. People in the ghetto don’t even want to live in the ghetto. The Top 10 list describes Raleigh as a place that “benefits from an expanding arts and entertainment scene and an overabundance of renowned universities and high-tech industries. Raleigh is also fast becoming a capital city for LGBT communities. Housing is affordable; upside economic and population growth potential is strong, and it is centrally located between the pristine Outer Banks coastal region and the wildly popular Blue Ridge Mountains.” I don’t see the connection between a real ghetto and the aspects of Raleigh that you described, but by all means, feel free to make yourselves at home in our downtown ghettos.

On right: a great little fixer-upper in the ghetto.

In order to survive, you’re going to want to form a gayng right from the start. Sure, the homocide rates will skyrocket when you first move in and try to spruce up the dilapidated “houses” with new color schemes and shit from Crate and Barrel, but they should level out after you guys establish some street cred and decide on some gang signs and colors (try to avoid clothes that sparkle). I’m sure you’ll eventually assimilate and fit in well with the existing residents. If all goes well, you should be able to release your first rap album within six months. I can’t wait to hear the first hot single on the dance floor at Felson’s. Until then, I’m going to see what I can do about getting some guns in the hands of the people who need them the most, gang members.