Welcome to the Hotel ITB

Something caught my attention this morning when reading the news. I don't read the newspaper or watch the news on television; mainly because the news is just a bunch of OTB "stories" that no one cares about. I don't need to know about Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac or some "mortgage crisis." You don’t have to run a front page story everyday about the commoners who took out loans from predatory lenders, got taken advantage of, lost their homes, and are now whining about it. We get it, they’re stupid. Seriously commoners, stop taking those loans, you’re just making yourselves look worse when the bank forecloses on your house after you’ve willingly been “taken advantage of.” You signed the papers, not me. The News and Observer basically reports on the same few topics everyday. They are,

a.) a Fort Bragg soldier who killed another Fort Bragg soldier, then lit a house/car/apartment on fire for some unknown reason. A baby is usually involved in the story somehow.
b.) an unidentified cab driver, Arby's employee, or gang member, who was shot in Cumberland County (Fayetteville), police are still searching for the suspect
c.) the House or Senate voted on some unimportant bill, law, or budget that doesn't affect me and that I don't understand
d.) the poor schools that don't have any money because they lack ITB parents that will donate thousands of dollars for no reason or if their child doesn't make it onto an athletic team
e.) the “mortgage crisis” and “recession” our country is (not) in

As for television news, all they do is read the newspaper out loud in front of a camera so the illiterate commoners can know what's going on in the world. These illiterate commoners will believe whatever the anchors tell them. I don't trust news anchors because no one should have that much power, except for me. Also because cougar news anchor Heather Childers never responded to my e-mail. It is for these reasons that I get my news from an exclusive site that only covers Raleigh and ITB. It is here that I found a story that is sure to cause an uproar in the ITB community. A new gel-head magnet is being planned. Crescent Resources wants to build a 5 to 8 story 28,000 square feet building that will have 290 apartments or condominiums available to any commoner that can afford it. The building will take the place of the Village Citgo and part of the parking deck that is next to McDonald's. The Village Citgo can't be torn down. It has the most expensive gas in Raleigh, which means it's the only place I can go fill up my SUV without having to see a bunch of commoners. This building is either the biggest threat to ITB or the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Sure this building sounds like a great idea. Who wouldn't want to live 278 feet (yeah I measured) from Felson's, Harris Teeter, Village Deli, Needham B. Broughton, and the Chick-fil-a that's coming soon? Well, the mere possibility of these 24 to 32 year old gel-heads with "jobs" like "graphic designer" or "bartender at Blue Martini" or "event promoter," buying these condos and being closer to Felson's makes me want to kill myself. An example of the catastrophic results that can occur when a building like this is put up ITB can be found at Oberlin Court. I assumed Oberlin Court would be exclusive, due to it's ITB location. Then someone sent me sickening evidence of the horrible gel-headedness that occurs there.

Unfortunately, “No gel in the pool” is not a rule, yet.

Gel heads greeting each other with a “fist bump”

See what happens when you let gel-heads live ITB? It's only a matter of time before these barb-wire tattooed, board short wearing, 2-door car driving, gel-heads show up and try to buy these condos and steal our ITB women. I'm going to have to get my ITB friends over at York Properties to ban the sale of these condos to gel heads. If that doesn't work, I'll be forced to purchase this building and rent the condos/apartments out, to fellow ITBers, as a place to go after a night at Felson’s. The Hotel ITB would only be open Thursday night through Sunday afternoon. It would be used solely for the purposes of early morning (the new late night), hooking up with younger ITB girls, and doing drugs in private, since Felson's doesn't have locks on the stalls anymore. The Hotel ITB would serve as a sort of non-rehab, because AA is for quitters and there’s no reason to stop partying just because a 40-year old bartender isn't there to serve you drinks. Also, living this close to the only bar in the world would decrease my chances of getting another DUI (I’ll probably still drive anyway) and increase the likelihood of my Dad wanting to pay for the building so he won’t have to give his badass lawyers more money. Don't worry; I will continue to drive my SUV to Harris Teeter even though it's across the street. I can’t be seen actually walking somewhere, people might think I'm worried about "global warming" or "high" gas prices. Driving down Oberlin, passing by White Memorial, taking a right on Glenwood, passing by The Club, taking another right on St. Mary's, taking a right into the back parking lot of Broughton, driving by Holliday Gym, onto Cameron St. heading back to Harris Teeter seems like the most logical route. I'd probably take 2 laps just to make sure I'm using a lot of gas. As incredible as the 3 night stays at Hotel ITB are going to be, I will still spend the rest of the week living in my own house that has a front porch and fenced in backyard for my black and yellow labs. Of course, all of this safeguarding against gel heads won't be necessary once my renovation plan is finished. More information on that plan will be posted soon.