The Trail(wood) of Tears

After the day I found out(side the beltline), I realized that I can't go through life telling people I'm ITB when a tool pigeon gel-head from Gorman St. can say the same thing. Determined to fix this problem, I drove home that day from the black hole that is Western Blvd. of Broken Dreams, and began to call all the important people that I know, which is a lot. I went through my entire Blackberry and iPhone (yeah, I have both) calling all my Dad’s friends for help. After a day of studying maps, traffic patterns, and property values I came up with a plan. The beltline must be rebuilt completely and a wall must be constructed to keep all types of commoners out. This plan will be unveiled in phases. It is dependent on Victor coming through with the funds and also on my ability to circumvent the City Council, lawmakers, construction crews, and protesters. I now present Phase I of the ITB Renovation Plan.


Phase 1 Trail(wood) of Tears
We must eliminate those who lower my property value. A good way to start will be to evacuate the indigenous peoples of Method Rd. as well as Western Blvd. “But William, how will you displace so many people? Where do you plan to move them?” Good questions. To displace the current “residents,” I’ve hired some younger ITB Indian Guides to do the work for me. It’s called outsourcing. My Dad says it’s the best way to make a profit, even though it’s ruining the U.S. economy. I don’t really care, as long as I’m still making money. The Indian Guides will attempt to barter with the Method Rd. savages by offering them shiny tin cans or fake Green Cards in exchange for their land. Not only will this prepare the ITB kids for later in life, by teaching them how to manipulate others and mistreat the less fortunate, but they will also receive a tribal feather. Apparently, the ITB Indian Guides get “displacement feathers” for forcing large groups of people, preferably an oppressed group, from one area to another. If anything goes wrong, I’ve got some Boy Scouts from White Memorial on speed dial.


20 displaced savages = 1 tribal feather. Brighton (pictured above) has already earned 3 feathers

If and when the tribes resist, they will be forced to walk from their homes (if you can call them that, anything under 10.000 sq. ft. should be considered a pool house) down the long and torturous Trail(wood) of Tears to a nice place in Durham that I have set aside for them. Why the Trail(wood) of Tears and why Durham? Even though the lack of sidestreets on this road will encourage the "natives" to escape into the woods, where they would construct some sort of mud hut/tee-pee/log cabin in an attempt to continue living ITB, the absence of fast-food restaurants will ensure that they continue moving towards Durham in order to find food. As for Durham, I used some of my trust fund money to buy the old Durham Bulls Park. I got the idea from Hurricane Katrina and the Superdome in New Orleans. Since that event was so successful, I’m sure we can house the foreign commoners here without any problems. Most of these people work in construction or own gas stations, so they shouldn’t have trouble finding a job. Durham will provide the gas station owners with the perfect clientele (people who spend 90% of their disposable income on cigarettes, malt liquor, beer, and scratch-off lottery tickets) to succeed in the industry. Durham’s new motto should just be "Durham: Paying for your child’s education one scratch off ticket at a time."

Once Western Blvd. is cleared out, it will become the ITB landfill. The only reason I’m allowing the filthy gel-head, American Eagle t-shirt wearing, Trailwood commoners to stay (they’ll still be OTB under my new plan) is because they pay taxes. Also, the gel heads will be downwind from our trash, making life even more miserable for them. Although, they probably won’t notice the stench due to the insane amount of Axe body spray they use on a daily basis. With all this space for trash, I won’t have to pay for that worthless recycling service the city “provides” (charges me for against my will). Why should I be forced to pay for a recycling service when I don’t even believe in recycling? I don’t care about the environment because it doesn’t care about me.

Cleaning out the Method Rd./Western Blvd. area will help to secure our borders and decrease crime. I realize that displacing those residents will cripple the construction, fast food, cleaning, lawn care, and service industries. I also know that no self-respecting ITB kid would actually have a part time job and if they did it sure as hell wouldn’t be a blue-collar job. So in order to fill these positions, I will allow gel-heads to get an ITB Work Visa* (because they pay taxes). This way our economy won’t continue in this mental recession and I can make fun of gel heads while they bring me my food at the drive-thru. This is just Phase I of my ITB renovation plan. It should be completed once I get these funds from Victor. More commoner-related issues and problems with our current beltline will be addressed in the near future.

*Note: The family that currently takes care of my lawn, cleans my house, and builds shit when my Dad tells them, will be allowed an ITB Work Visa even though they don’t pay taxes, are here illegally, and have been deported twice. It’s cheap labor, can you blame me?