(Garner)ing Attention

I received this e-mail a few days ago.

From: Beth Knox missncbookings@yahoo.com
To: William Needham Finley IV raleighitb@gmail.com
Date: Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 6:56 AM
Subject: (no subject)

Please remove immediately the photo of Amanda Watson that was posted without permission from your website.

Beth Knox
Business Manager and Executive Board Member,
Miss North Carolina Scholarship Pageant
919-274-3875
www.missnc.org

Apparently I'm not allowed to post the picture of Miss Not ITB. I've taken it down while my Dad's badass lawyers figure out if I actually have to do what this woman says.

Can’t (Miss N)C Me*

In other news, it appears that someone from Garner has gotten a hold of a computer and an internet connection. I didn't think I'd ever see this happen in my lifetime. There's also a slight chance that this person has learned to read and write, although I’m convinced he’s using a microphone and a computer program that types out what he says. He apparently has it out for me. Scroll to the very bottom of the page to see his comment.

Miss Garner crowned Miss NC

The above N&O comment comes from the same loser-commoner that left the following comment on the “Miss NC isn’t ITB” post:

"PAyscue said...
I suppose your parents are just so proud. This garbage will look really good on your resume."

First of all, I don't need a resume. I don't apply for jobs, they apply for me. Secondly, my parents are proud as shit, I can do absolutely no wrong in their eyes. After clicking on his hyperlinked name, “PAyscue,” it turns out that this guy runs a website devoted to Garner High School athletics. I would rather drag my oxygen tank** out to my SUV and spend an entire hour stuck in commoner infested traffic on Leesville Rd. than spend countless hours writing about anything related to Garner. Here's a link to this pathetic blog. I don't know why he wastes his time writing this, it's not like anyone in Garner can actually read or has access to computers.

Shitty blog about Garner High school athletics

Don't bother clicking the link, the only amazing thing about this blog is that there's a chance this guy is literate. However, there are a few things worth noting. The author has posted 225 times in the year 2008. There have only been 184 days in the year 2008, do the math. A description of the author reads "1979 graduate of Garner High School and lifelong Trojan supporter." You're 47 years old and you still haven't let go of the glory days*** in which you and your friends would sit in the Wal-Mart parking lot on Friday night, drinking your sorrows away, after losing another sporting event to a high school team with an actual athletics budget that could afford real jerseys and proper equipment; as opposed to the plain white t-shirts from Wal-Mart (with names and numbers written in permanent marker) that you used as jerseys and the second hand equipment that you either found in a landfill or bought at Play-it-Again Sports. Seriously, it's been 29 years, get over it. Obsessing over high school for countless years after graduating is pathetic. The only reason Broughton students still obsess over high school is because we actually have good memories to look back on, and because it's so close to Felson's. Examples of real “glory days” include the time that (insert name of BHS upperclassmen at the time the event took place) did (insert action of said upperclassmen) in (insert name of BHS teacher)’s class and everyone (insert reaction of students). Also, the time that (insert BHS upperclassmen) stood up during (insert name of event; assembly, Queen of Hearts, sporting event) and did that (insert action of BHS upperclassmen), that was so hilarious. (insert praise for said upperclassmen without sounding like you have a man-crush; “That guy was a riot!” or “Oh yeah, that guy was the man!” or “Yeah, I saw him at Crowley’s last weekend” are acceptable). Pretty much every single moment spent at BHS counts as something to talk about at any time one feels the need to reminisce. For Garner, I’m guessing it’s more like:

Billy Ray: “Remember the time we sat in the parking lot of (insert a commoner retail store or shopping center) and drank all that (insert cheap beer or moonshine) then talked about how much we hated (insert name of ITB High School) because of their (insert expensive noun that only BHS had; such as a gymnasium, classrooms with four walls, desks, books, and teachers with degrees)?
Billy Joe: “Yeah, to hell with them. Let’s go (insert typical Garner activity; make out with our siblings, shoot inanimate objects with guns, eat at Golden Corral, take a trip to the “swimmin’ hole," etc.).

It's also a bit odd that he posts upcoming events at Garner High school on his site. Why does a 47-year old man need to know when students should be registering for classes and turning in their parking permit fees and applications? (Insert obligatory Chris Hansen “To Catch a Predator” cliché joke.) I don’t know about Garner, but here in ITB, we call that pedophilia. I’m glad that you’re trying to branch out from your inbred family, but at least go for someone your own age. The ITB judges that my Dad put on the bench are pretty serious about this type of offense. I suggest you stay put in Garner, forever.

*This is a reference to 2Pac’s “Can’t C Me.” If you aren’t familiar with it, it’s probably because you were too poor to afford a CD player/radio/tape deck. Now that you have internet access you can view the video here:

**I’m forced to use an oxygen tank whenever I have to spend extended periods of time OTB (even though it is a very rare occurrence.) Since OTB doesn’t have trees, it is impossible for my ITB conditioned lungs to function. When traveling to Colorado, where the air is thinner, I don't need my tank because the amount of trees at the expensive resorts I stay at provide plenty of oxygen.

***You technically aren't allowed to refer to any time spent in Garner as "glory days." Since the term is generally used to refer to "the greatest period of a person's life" and since living in Garner can only get worse with each passing second, any time in the past should be considered the “glory days,” mainly because it’s over with and better than being alive in Garner in the present.