Capital Punishment

A fellow ITB friend of mine called me this morning with shocking news. As he was driving by Broughton on his way to work, he noticed a group of homely OTB-looking high school students, dressed in red graduation robes, standing in the senior parking lot. At first he thought these were students from Sanderson trying to experience what it's like to attend Broughton. There was a lack of general douchebaggery in the air, so he knew it couldn't be them. I thought this might be a Senior class prank, where the students were pretending to be from OTB by putting those shitty trailers in the parking lot. Wearing those communist red robes they would say to each other, "Oh, hey look at my shitty trailer I live in, I'm OTB, look how worthless I am. I'm a waste of oxygen. Let's go hang out at the food court of Crabtree." If it was a prank, I'm sure it would have ended after five minutes with someone coming to the realization that pretending to be OTB isn't a good prank or even funny at all. Someone would say, "Enough of this shit, OTB blows, let's go eat at the Club." My fellow ITB friend was sure these kids were not ITB, they were too ragged and unattractive. "These clearly aren't Broughton students, I've never seen them at Crowley's," he said. Something was going on, and I had to know what. I jumped in my SUV and drove the 1.4 mile distance down St. Mary's St. from my house to Broughton. I got out and confronted the first heathen I came across. One of the little shits informed me that he was from Middle Creek High School(I'll address this later) and stammered, "Our graduation is in Holiday gym." On Thursday, June 12, 2008 at 10:00am, Broughton's own Holiday gym would be hosting the graduation of another high school, blasphemous.

I investigated further, "Yeah, I can see that, but why are you here?" I asked the commoner. "Because our gym doesn't have air conditioning and we don't want to die of heat exhaustion during the ceremony," he replied. I had news for this kid, "Well you better get used to the heat because you'll be changing my oil, fixing my plumbing, and building my new pool house after graduating from Middle Creek High. No white-collar jobs for you my friend," I replied. He then handed me the News and Observer that he was using to fan himself with, and showed me this article. http://www.newsobserver.com/news/story/1101323.html. Don't bother reading the whole thing, the most important and shocking part is quoted below.

"Middle Creek High School swallowed its pride and is graduating inside Broughton High's spacious air-conditioned gym. Broughton Principal Roy Teel said none of the other schools took advantage of the option.
"It's hard to have a graduation in another school's gym," Teel said."

Well, it's obviously not hard enough since you welcomed them with open arms and even gave other schools this option. Roy Teel. Oh I remember you, Teel, you were principal during my Daniels Middle School days. Your constant Mr. Ed impression amused me as a 12-year old, but those days are over. Now you're allowing other non-Broughton students to graduate in the same gym that I watched Queen of Hearts assemblies in. Are you out of your mind? We're not talking just regular students, these kids are from Cary, from a school that is 6 years old, http://middlecreekhs.wcpss.net/about.htm. That's 6/79ths as old as Broughton, in case you were trying to do the math in your head. What's next? Are you going to shut down the pool on the fourth floor? I don't know why you currently run the show at Needham B. Broughton. Last I heard you were hawking cheap sport coats at the men's department of Lord and Taylor. All of the sudden you take the reins from D. Payne and are in charge of the most prestigious school in the country, how did that happen? This graduation fiasco never would have happened under the watch of D. Payne.

"OTBers? Not in my gym" - D. Payne

Also, "Middle Creek swallowed its pride and is graduating inside Broughton High's spacious air-conditioned gym". Swallowed its pride? In order to have pride, you have to have something to be proud of. Your 42% literacy rate, your Valedictorian's 2.1 GPA, and the fact that you learned how to make crystal meth in your science lab do not count as things to be proud of. (Note: Their science "lab" is actually a shed where a toothless meth addict teaches the children how to properly mix the Windex and cough syrup to create that "perfect high".) Although, it is quite remarkable that these students have survived to the age of 18, when you consider that they had to overcome the effects of OTB inbreeding without the aid of health care. Who cares if they can't take the heat, they're OTB as shit. Make them graduate in their own sauna of a gym, if they even have one. Who's paying for the delousing of the campus after they're done? I know we aren't charging them, they obviously can't afford it. I certainly hope you aren't passing these costs off on Caps Club members, I will flip my shit. Someone needs to be held responsible for allowing this tragedy to occur. Roy, I think we both know what needs to happen. You can go ahead and send me your resignation on Monday.

Note: I was planning on unveiling my ITB renovation plan today. Obviously, that had to be set aside after I received the graduation tip this morning. I know a lot of you are eagerly waiting for the plans to be revealed so you can invest in what will be the greatest renovation Raleigh has ever seen. I'll share it soon.