“Upper class white kid pulls South Carolina town out of recession.”

That was the headline in Monday's paper the day after I left some town where Carolina Cup was held. Apparently, I spent so much money that I pulled Camden, South Carolina out of this "recession" that's going on. I don't understand the economy and I don't know what a recession is, but I ended the one that was crippling the economy of this non-ITB town. It feels good to help the less fortunate, especially when all I had to do was throw around money and pay for all the ridiculous shit that went on at my spots. That’s right, spots. I have 5 spots each year so I have enough room for the caterers, my multiple SUVs that I bring, and also just because I can.

Now I rarely leave ITB, but when I do, I make sure I'm surrounded by people with similar interests, which automatically excludes commoners. How do I achieve this? By making sure I'm attending an ITB-tastic event like the Carolina Cup. Therefore, Carolina Cup, a drunken day spent out in a field with all of my friends, qualifies as one of the few reasons to ever leave ITB. It's a day of tailgating in a sea of pastel, surrounded by hot college girls who, for some reason, have had everything they own monogrammed. I guess it’s so they can tell each purse/bag/pair of croakies/koozie/ridiculously over-sized pair of sunglasses apart from the identical purse/bag/pair of croakies/koozie/ridiculously over-sized pair of sunglasses that all the other girls own. I would monogram all my shit, but I don’t care if it gets stolen, I’ll just buy another of whatever it was. One of the best parts of Carolina Cup is that you don't have to lift a finger because people come from miles around to carry all of your shit for you. For most people it’s your coolers, tables, tents and kegs. In my case, they carry my Carolina Cup edition SUV. They’ll carry anything if you pay them enough.

I can’t get another DUI, so I paid this guy $100 to pull my SUV to one of my 5 spots.

It's essential to have an extra SUV at Carolina Cup. I don't need extra room for food because, like I said, I get my spot professionally catered; but it’s nice to have a place to keep all of my Maker's Mark and Grey Goose for when I feel like drinking by myself. My tinted windows also make it a great place to hook up whenever I want, that’s if I haven’t passed out by 3:00 pm. Normally, I take a bus down and pay to get my extra SUV towed to Camden. After the Cup I just leave it there, not because I don't want to pay to have it towed back to ITB, but mainly because I don't want to have to clean it out when I get home. It’s also a 2006 model, so it’s pretty worthless now.

After my car was put in my spot and the caterers set up all my food and kegs, I paid some more people to put up my tent, beer pong table, flip cup table, and my ridiculously loud speaker system along with the gas powered generator that I plug it into. After a while, I finally got around to betting on some horse race. I’m not sure why I bet on some random horse race every year and I don’t really understand what it has to do with the Carolina Cup. Regardless, every year some jackass comes around asking everyone to bet on this horse race, and every year I lose a few thousand dollars on a horse with some stupid name like Barbaro. Someone said there was a horse race that went on near Carolina Cup, but in my 6 years of attending, I have yet to see any evidence of a horse, a horse track, or even those tiny little jockey-men, who had to have been born about 7 months premature, since no normal person can be that small. Maybe one day I’ll pay for there to be a horse race at Carolina Cup just so that jackass can actually see one in person.

Everything else went as planned; I got hammered, spent a lot of money, and passed out by 9:00pm. So I guess I basically kept the Camden economy afloat with all the money I spent. The mayor sent me a thank-you letter along with a key to the city and an invitation to some shitty dinner with him and some Senators that I won’t go to. Don’t worry Camden residents; I’ll be back next year to do it all over again.