Triangle Beach Music Festival: Carolina Cup for Commoners

Some friends of mine have been talking about an upcoming event called the "Triangle Beach Music Festival", also known as "TBMF". After some investigating, I've decided that I will not be attending this commoner infested event. From looking at the pictures online, this event and the crowd that it attracts are below me in so many ways.

Garner's Finest. Notice the "Save Water, Drink Beer" t-shirt and the lack of collared shirts in the picture.

This "festival" appears to be some form of Carolina Cup for poor people. Apparently, this "TBMF" is just a stage on some random farm where a lot of rednecks get hammered and try to "shag" while old men play shitty music and stare at hot girls. Not only is the Beach Music Festival not ITB, it's in Garner, which is essentially a 3rd world country. I'm not even sure they have the Internet. Most Garner residents have more Dale Earnhardt Jr. cut off t-shirts than teeth. You could clothe an entire Darfur refugee camp with the sheer amount of sleeves that have been cut off of these redneck's t-shirts. I can't think of anything worse than being surrounded by commoners like this for 8 hours. Why would anyone want to go stand in the heat and listen to this "music" for hours while having to drag a cooler of alcohol around the whole time? If there's not a hot waitress or 40-year old bartender to wait on me, I'm not going. The only reason people get so blackout at "TBMF" is because they have to listen to beach music for 8 hours. If I wanted to listen to a bunch of dudes, who are about to croak, sing some shitty songs about shagging, I'd just pay them to play in the parking lot of Foster's at Cameron Village, (for 2 hours at the most) or in my backyard. Here's some background information on these losers that have been around for over 40 years....

The Band of Oz - "Formed in 1967 as a part-time band playing fraternity parties and high school proms all over the South."

It's been over 40 years and these guys haven't hit it big yet. What makes them think that TBMF is going to be their "big break"? Due to Alzheimer's and dementia, 6 of 8 band members don't know where they are 90% of the time. I'm pretty sure I saw at least 3 of these guys on "To Catch a Predator:Beach Music Bands"

Craig Woolard Band - "Craig spent twenty-seven years singing with The Embers. Craig was voted class President at Washington High and went on to attend Duke University. His dad, was an attorney, and had high hopes of Craig following in his footsteps – that didn't happen. Craig was destined to be an entertainer."

Craig Woolard - not a lawyer

Way to let your father down, asshole. You graduated from a private school (that's so ITB) and you threw it all away to play shitty songs for commoners at places like TBMF and the parking lot of Target in Knightdale. I'm sure your father is proud.

General Norman Johnson and The Chairmen of the Board - "In the spring of 1966 in Raleigh, North Carolina, as lead singer of the Showmen, I performed before my first Beach Music audience."

It's been 42 years, he should be dead from all the blow he's done by now, yet he continues to perform "hits" from the 1960s for drunk people all over the South. General Johnson, you are legendary, only because I'm pretty sure you played at a Broughton Prom or an ITB Deb Ball at one point in your "career". I hope you don't die from a heat stroke or exhaustion on Saturday.

Spare Change - they don't even deserve a picture
An appropriate name for this band, as they will most likely be homeless within the next 4 months. They should probably go ahead and add a "?" to the end of their name so they can get used to asking rich people for money.

I also noticed this warning on their website "NO OVERNIGHT CAMPING IS PERMITTED AT THE EVENT!!!". This warning probably means that someone has tried to camp at the event before. Typical free loading commoner, always trying to get something for nothing. I'm guessing Garner doesn't even have 5 star hotels. I'd rather spend an hour at Tool Pigeons (yeah, I said it) than spend a day in Garner surrounded by a bunch of fat 50 year old commoner-sexual predators. I can only handle one 40-year old pervert hitting on hot girls at a time and that's why I go to Foster's. I won't be attending this event for the above stated reasons, see ya at Foster's.