Nelson's: the Mecca of ITB?

I'm no Iraqi expert, but I'm pretty sure those signs say "Open Nelson's", or possibly "Muhammed loves Nelson's" or just "Death To the Infidels", regardless, it is now official that the fate of Nelson's is an international issue, and the Iraqiis know who I am.

As you can see, the people of Iraq have finally heard about the state of affairs in which Nelson's currently finds itself. After somehow finding access to this website, angry mobs poured into the streets of Iabakalaqara to protest, among other things, the current state of Nelson's. As protesters continued their jihad by attacking the already crumbling buildings of Iabakalaqara, many voices could be overheard. "Where will they film "Girls Gone Wild ITB?", demanded one protester. "How will William Needham Finley IV, who can't even find Iraq on a map, survive a Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night without Nelson's?", remarked another. These comments were later drowned out by raucous chants of "Death to Stool Pigeons, death to the gel-heads, Nelson's is Mecca!". These guys are pissed, and rightfully so. I've heard that some of these jihadists believe Nelson's to be their "paradise", where they expect to find 72 virgins awaiting them after completing their jihad. Unfortunately, as much as I agree that Nelson's is the ITB version of "paradise" or Mecca (or whatever they believe), it has never at any time contained 72 virgins. Sorry Ahkbar, but your protests aren't going to do much good, even the local media isn't concerned with what's happening to Nelson's. In an attempt to get some answers to all of these questions, I sent the e-mail shown below to this future cougar at News 14 Carolina. She still hasn't responded.

Future Cougar Heather Childers - News 14 Carolina

From: William Needham Finley IV <raleighitb@gmail.com>toHeather.Childers@news14.com
Date: Thu, Apr 10, 2008 at 4:49 PM
Subject: Coverage of a critical story

Dear Heather,

I'm a huge fan of the news, especially when you're the anchor. Your professionalism and journalistic integrity is captivating. I'm writing to find out why News 14 hasn't been covering the rise and historic fall of Nelson's. In case you don't know, Nelson's is a restaurant and bar in Cameron Village that is close in proximity to Needham B. Broughton High School. Attendance to Nelson's has plummeted recently, mainly due to some mechanical issues they have had with their kitchen. I'm fairly certain they are still open for business, as I'm there from Thursday through Saturday, however, only a few people regularly attend this bar. I'm afraid that many of Nelson's former patrons think that it has closed forever. I would hate to let such a terrible rumor ruin such a fine establishment. Please let me know if you have any reporters currently covering this story. If you don't, I would appreciate it if you started covering this immediately. Maybe you could move some of the Sports reporters over to this story. I'm positive that the majority of inside-the-belt line residents are a lot more concerned with the fate of Nelson's than the worthless Charlotte Bobcats. Thank you for your help on this critical story.


William Needham Finley IV
ITB
Raleigh, 27605
raleighitb@gmail.com

Hopefully, shit will get done now that I've contacted the right people. Even if News 14 doesn't get their act together, I'm glad that someone cares enough about Nelson's to violently protest in the streets.