The Circle of Life (not the shitty song by Elton John)

It seems that my family and I have made a mistake. I don’t want to take the blame, so I’ll say it’s due to a lack of foresight on the part of my grandparents. As a result, a representative from an adoption agency is visiting today to ensure that our home will be a suitable environment for a child. It’s not the adoption that worries me, it’s the fact that one of the prospects could possibly be from outside the belt-line. Some of you are probably confused as to what’s going on, so I’ll break it down for you non-ITBers. Here in the ITB it’s standard practice for an ITB family to have their children in three year intervals, resulting in children who are approximately four years apart in age. This ensures that there will always be a member of the family enrolled at Needham B. Broughton. Sometimes we have to settle for a niece, nephew, or cousin when the math becomes too difficult, or if there’s an unexpected pregnancy that throws off the system. A few minor incidents aside, this system has been extremely successful, until now.

Recently, we found out that my family can no longer use this system, for a number of reasons. First, my father is the youngest child in his family, as is my mother. All of my uncles and aunts are too old to have any more children, and my cousins have all graduated by now. Basically, we’re out of family members. No nieces, no nephews, no cousins, nothing. We’re screwed. How did this happen?

As I said earlier, my grandparents are at fault for this disaster. In an attempt to maintain an all-ITB family, my ITB grandparents (on both sides of course) made sure that their children all married other ITBers. This strategy was extremely effective in maintaining our family’s ITBness. It seemed to be fool proof, until they got to my parents. They didn’t realize it at first, and after having 3 children there wasn’t much that could be done about it, but my parents are actually cousins. Not 2nd cousins, not “kissing cousins”, just cousins. . All of their children so far, including myself, have turned out normal. However, there was still a risk of some serious West Virginia inbreeding. They met with a doctor in hopes that they could continue to follow the system. After hearing their story, he strongly advised them to stop having children, immediately.

My youngest sibling is now a junior at Broughton and my parents are frantically trying to find a suitable 13 year old. At first, my parents had considered adopting the kid that I sponsored when I had my DUI. After looking at his picture, they decided that he might become somewhat of a liability.

Key: A.)Possible gang signs

B.),C.) Firearms

D.) Possible gang related colors

It appears my little friend has already joined a gang. Not only does that prevent him from becoming the newest member of our family, it's also a waste of four dollars. I wonder how many guns four dollars buys in his country? And what was all that talk about making his way into the U.S. so he could visit Broughton? Bullshit, amigo, bullshit.

Having no other choice, my parents handed the search over to the adoption agencies. A representative is visiting today, so I've got to go show her how important we are and make her realize she should be lining kids up at our door. I'll let you know how it goes. Don't think for a second that I've given up on Nelson's. I'm still trying to gather credible information, but my Dad's been out of town for a week. I'll ask him what the deal is after we adopt this kid.