ITB Olympics to arrive in 2016

I haven’t been keeping up with the Olympics, because I don’t care about other countries, but I’ve recently learned that they are taking place in China, which infuriates me. I can’t believe we actually allowed U.S. citizens to compete in such a miserable country that has been attempting to harm our children for years. I realized that it was up to me to put a stop to this. I successfully bribed the IOC, and as a result ITB will be hosting it's own Olympics in 2016. This gives me plenty of time to turn the Hotel ITB in Cameron Village into an Olympic Village that will house competitors from the different ITB zip codes. I’m not allowing other countries to participate for obvious reasons.

The opening ceremonies will begin at Broughton as members from each ITB zip code form a parade of SUVs and travel through Cameron Village ending at Felson’s. Why walk when you can drive? Athletes will proudly represent their zip code by wearing whichever pastel polo the hottest ITB MILF from each zip code chooses.

The ITB Olympics will only contain one event. The ITB Decathlon, which is actually ten different events that test an ITBers endurance, tolerance for drugs and alcohol, ability to drive drunk, and how good their parent’s lawyers are. Performance is based on the athlete’s BAC level and the results of their toxicology report, not on whether they actually finish the event. Events take place from Thursday night to Sunday morning and can be completed as quickly or slowly as the athletes choose. However, athletes are advised to get housed on Saturday night, since the scores are calculated on Sunday morning. As I said earlier, no outsiders can compete in these events. Unfortunately, there are some gel heads who have managed to sneak inside the beltline, residing in the shitty 27601 zip code. Even though they can participate, they won’t pass the mandatory gel head drug tests, which test for creatine, HGH, anabolic steroids, Red Bull, Rockstar, and the gene that causes douchebaggery. The ITB Decathlon consists of these 10 events:

1.) The Crowley’s to Felson’s 15,000 milliliters (507 fluid ounces) Relay
This event won’t be too difficult for the athletes representing the ITB section of 27609, due to the fact that they’ve been getting drunk at Crowley’s since the age of 11. The event will begin at Crowley’s and end at Felson's, or whatever it’s called in 8 years after it's gone through another 4 or 5 name changes. Athletes will consume half of the required 15,000ml (about 22 beers or 85 jager bombs) of alcohol at Crowley’s. After driving down the back roads and avoiding the police, athletes will arrive at Felson’s and consume the remaining 22 beers or 85 jager bombs to reach the 15,000 milliliter total. Athletes may also substitute grams of drugs in place of milliliters of alcohol if they can figure out how to use the metric system. Once finished, they must be able to spend 10 minutes on the dance floor without passing out or breaking any bottles/glasses.

2.) Swimming - Michael Phelps won gold in China, but he’s not even allowed in our swimming event, held at CCC. Why would we ever let non-members compete against us? As always, the CCC swim team will be divided in half, creating two teams that will swim against each other. We don’t let outsiders in our pool because we’d have to tear out the pool and build a new one after each race, (chlorine shocking and draining the pool doesn’t always remove 100% of OTB filth.)

3.) Cycling – Hailing from the shitty part of 27605, Flash will be the lone contestant in this event. For those of you who don't know, Flash is a bike-riding-semi-homeless ITB Icon and will be discussed in more detail at a later date. To convince him to participate, I will offer him a ham and cheese sandwich, a lifetime CAPS pass for all BHS sporting events (home and away), and will have his restraining order against the current Broughton Volleyball team lifted. Flash has spent the last 15 years training for this event by biking to every BHS home and away game as well as to Daniels Middle School, where he attempts to befriend children between the ages of 11 and 13.

4.) Shot put - athletes must put hundreds of shots on their credit card and consume them all before 2:00am. Whoever has the highest bar tab and doesn’t get caught by the police while driving home wins. First person to throw up loses.

5.) Discus(s) - after receiving their bar tabs at 2:15 am, athletes must discus(s) the outrageous charges on their bar tabs with the bartender in hopes of reducing the insanely high total. Successful techniques to use in this event include “Do you know who the fuck I am?!” or “I could buy this place, I own this town!”

6.) Gymnastics (floor exercise) – this event occurs on the Felson's dance floor and athletes must end the event with a late night hook up.

7.) Multi-million dollar mansion burning - athletes must find a $3 million mansion, that is in the process of being built, and burn it to the ground without being caught. Bonus points for taking out an insurance policy before burning down your own multi-million dollar house, and committing insurance fraud. (In a future post, I’ll explain to you OTBers why we dominate this event.)

8.) Adolescent Vandalism – athletes between the ages of 15 and 17 must consume a case of alcohol then drive their parent’s SUV around the 27605, 27609 zip codes destroying mailboxes or other private property. Shooting old women with paintball guns during the day is also acceptable.

9.) Skeet Shooting – this event takes place in the bathrooms of my favorite bar between two consenting athletes above the age of 15. Bonus points are awarded for the largest age difference between participants.

10.) The Dan Allen Challenge – participants must traverse their way down Dan Allen Dr. in their SUV while holding a beer can at the 12 position on the steering wheel, while also blaring "Ridin' Dirty" with 4 underage girls and 2 of their friends in the backseat taking a fifth of liquor and 2 cases of beer to the face. Being pulled over, failing a sobriety test, and getting a DUI are all acceptable, as long as the athlete’s badass lawyers get them off.

This concludes the ITB Olympics. True ITB zip codes are sure to dominate these games. I’m not sure what the medals will consist of since Jolly’s Jewelers didn’t take me seriously when I asked if they could forge gold, silver, and bronze ITB medals for the winners. I’m open to suggestions.

True Colors

There is a new bar on Gelwood South that has shown it’s true colors over the past month by repeatedly discriminating against my ITB friends. Last weekend, some friends of mine tried to go to Brooklyn Heights, before going to Felson’s of course. I know what you’re thinking, “they must have already been blackout if they were downtown somewhere other than Sullivan’s or Blue Martini” and I agree. At the gate which surrounds Brooklyn Heights, they were greeted and let in by the bouncer, only to be stopped as they reached the door to the bar. The bar manager came outside and told them to wait there on the front porch. He went inside then returned with an 8.5x11 sheet of printer paper, which he taped to the door. He then told them “Sorry, can’t let you guys in, you don’t meet the dress code.” They read the following sign in disbelief,

Dress Code
No pastel Polos
No whale attire (they mean Vineyard Vines, they’re just too poor to know what brand the whale represents)
No sunglasses at night
No fish belts
No Sperrys/docksiders (they mean topsiders, you can't blame them though, they've probably never been on anything bigger than the paddle boats at Silver Lake)

Based on this Dress Code, all of my ITB friends were denied entry. While most of them were breaking every rule on this list, they were mainly turned away for breaking the “no pastel Polos” rule. It is now blatantly obvious that Brooklyn Heights discriminates against potential customers on the basis of color……of their shirts. It’s perfectly acceptable to discriminate against others, I do it every day. I judge others based on what kind of car they drive, their country club membership (or lack thereof), where they went to high school, and their zip code; but never on the basis of color. Brooklyn Heights takes it to a whole new level.

Sporting pastel colored clothing has always been a sign of ITBness. I can wear a pink shirt because I'm better than you. You can’t wear a pink shirt because your Millbrook classmates will beat the shit out of you. The rest of this list bans pretty much my entire ITB wardrobe, which means I’ll never be allowed in this bar. I guess I’ll just have to stick to my normal routine of going to Felson’s before I go to Felson’s.

This passes the Dress Code, but my $80 Polo doesn't.

Their membership agreement, important parts in bold:

We, the owners of Brooklyn Heights, have formed a bar in order to cater to those persons who desire a private place to pursue their common interests including, but not limited to, the live performance of music and the sampling of a variety of spirituous liquors in an atmosphere that is distinctly different from other venues within the City of Raleigh. Membership is limited to those persons over the age of twenty-one who express a desire to increase their knowledge in the areas outlined above and a willingness to abide by all club Rules and Regulations. We appreciate your interest in Brooklyn Heights and upon acceptance and receipt of a membership fee, which will entitle the member to entrance as well as the opportunity to enjoy the pursuit of our common interests within the confines of Brooklyn Heights including but not limited to the sampling of a variety of spirituous liquors, you will receive a numbered membership card that should be kept on your person when visiting Brooklyn Heights.

This isn’t Dead Poet’s Society, you are just a shitty bar on Gelwood South. If by “distinctly different,” you mean “run down shack,” then yes you are a distinctly different venue. I’ll be shocked if your “venue” is still standing after hurricane season. From reading the agreement, I think they’re trying to attract what I call “pseudo intellectuals.” These are people that think, “I’m smarter than everyone because I read the Independent, listen to indie rock, don’t watch television (except for “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report”) and try to protect the environment, all while wearing clothes that are too small for me.” I hate wasting my time discussing pseudo-intellectuals as much as they hate “the establishment,” but people need to know how miserable they are. They think they’re cultured because they “branch out” by trying new things, listening to new music, and attending different bars and restaurants. I don’t try new things because I know what I like. There is no possible way that anything else is better than my current lifestyle. The truth is, these pseudo intellectuals are really just mildly retarded, mouth breathers who are trying to appear intelligent. Go ahead and change your membership agreement from “pursuit of our common interests” to “commoner interests” because all these people do is sit around and talk about that new indie rock band that no one else knows about and how they’re going to save the environment by using “alternative fuels” or “green energy” or some other imaginary concept. Their ideas always have a huge impact, especially the time they created a Facebook group that encouraged everyone to boycott gas stations on the same day. Exxon barely recovered from that brilliant plan. Eventually, the gel heads will take over Brooklyn Heights, like the disease that they are, and the pseudo intellectuals will be forced to go back to Cup a Joe or Raleigh Times.

I don’t know how the management will deal with the infestation of gel heads, since this is how the owners deal with important decisions. “We didn't have a plan; we just winged the whole thing and relied on everyone's input." Great business model, jackass. That’s almost as smart as the time Crowley’s came up with a business plan to start selling coke from behind the bar and in vending machines in the bathrooms. Good thing they had ITB lawyers on retainer to bail them out.

Brooklyn Heights will eventually pay for their discriminatory practices. Even though Felson’s is exclusive, we do allow the gel heads entry every 3 months, just so they’ll be forced to buy overpriced drinks and realize that they're still below us in every imaginable way. Trying to keep a bar open based on non-ITB bar tabs alone is impossible. Pseudo intellectuals don’t even have real jobs. They barely make enough to eat from their jobs at coffee shops and used bookstores, which is probably why they’re so thin. Gel heads certainly can’t afford the $300 nightly bar tabs that we drop like spare change. Three hundred dollars to them is a month’s worth of protein shakes and products from GNC. Good luck trying to make money. In this world of pink, yellow, peach, and sea foam green can’t we all just get along? I don’t actually want to hang out with you guys, I just want to go to your bar for 15 minutes to remind me that Felson’s is still the greatest bar in the world.

Takin’ It To The Streets

You've all heard about the 300 person, gang-related, Mall Brawl at Triangle Town Center by now. I don't actually know where that is because it's so far outside the beltline, but I'm told it's in Raleigh. What hasn’t been emphasized enough is that the mall cops and Raleigh Police did a great job of cracking down on gang related crime by arresting 6 out of the 300 people (gang members) involved. For those of you too lazy to do the math or for any Garner residents reading this, that means that the police arrested a grand total of 2% of the participants. It’s great to see that my tax dollars, which should be paying for a portion of the ITB renovation plan, are being wasted on trying to decrease gang related crime. I don't care about gang violence because it’s nonexistent where I live and in any areas that I frequent on a daily basis, mainly Cameron Village. The closest thing to a brawl that Cameron Village has seen, other than the "fights" that took place in the parking lot of Felson's, was that time when two ITB moms fought to the death in the middle of Charlotte’s over the only remaining Deb related item in stock. I think it was a pair of gloves or a stool, either way it was extremely important. This cougar fight occurred on the same day that two BHS seniors threatened to get out of their SUVs to fight each other over a parking spot in front of Village Deli. That day was so intense that it continued to be the main topic of discussion at Pasta Night at the Club for at least six weeks. My stance on gangs changed last weekend when I became a victim and was personally affected by this rise in gang related violence. While driving to late night, three of my ITB friends and I were pulled over and profiled by a cop. Citing recent gang violence as his reason for pulling me over, he accused us of being gang affiliated just because we were all wearing similar colored Polo shirts, the same Patagonia shorts, Costa del mar sunglasses with croakies, and topsiders. I explained that I'm not in a gang because I refuse take orders from anyone. Taking orders from others is for employees at fast food restaurants, people in the service industry, and the bartenders at Felson's. Having been personally affected, the cops made me late for late night, by this rise in gang related crime; I’ve realized that we must end gang violence immediately. 99% of our problems (but a bitch ain't one) would be solved if we just gave gang members guns and let them take care of their own problems. At least that would get them off the streets (and six feet into the ground) a lot more efficiently than the cops, with their amazing 2% arrest rate. Some say education “contributes” to the rise in gang membership, claiming that students are getting less one on one attention due to overcrowded schools. We wouldn’t have this problem if the short sighted city council would just give in and help fund my wall around the beltline. (I’m still waiting on Viktor, I’m starting to wonder if he’s ok) If all of these border-crossing intruder commoners weren’t crowding up our schools by attempting to get an education, teachers could actually focus on giving the potential gang members the D+ grade they deserved. Broughton never had this problem; failing students were simply promoted to the next grade in order to keep our graduation rates up.

While I'm on the topic of gangs, I want to address the unfortunate fact that Raleigh has landed on another Top 10 list. This time Raleigh was rated as one of the best "gay ghettos" in the country. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no homophobe, the more gay guys there are the more girls there are for me. The reason it’s unfortunate is because every time Raleigh makes one of these Top 10 lists the probability of commoners moving here increases. I’ll address one of the major causes of this problem soon. What confuses me is why a group that fights so hard for equal rights would use the term “ghetto” to refer to their ideal place to live. People in the ghetto don’t even want to live in the ghetto. The Top 10 list describes Raleigh as a place that “benefits from an expanding arts and entertainment scene and an overabundance of renowned universities and high-tech industries. Raleigh is also fast becoming a capital city for LGBT communities. Housing is affordable; upside economic and population growth potential is strong, and it is centrally located between the pristine Outer Banks coastal region and the wildly popular Blue Ridge Mountains.” I don’t see the connection between a real ghetto and the aspects of Raleigh that you described, but by all means, feel free to make yourselves at home in our downtown ghettos.

On right: a great little fixer-upper in the ghetto.

In order to survive, you’re going to want to form a gayng right from the start. Sure, the homocide rates will skyrocket when you first move in and try to spruce up the dilapidated “houses” with new color schemes and shit from Crate and Barrel, but they should level out after you guys establish some street cred and decide on some gang signs and colors (try to avoid clothes that sparkle). I’m sure you’ll eventually assimilate and fit in well with the existing residents. If all goes well, you should be able to release your first rap album within six months. I can’t wait to hear the first hot single on the dance floor at Felson’s. Until then, I’m going to see what I can do about getting some guns in the hands of the people who need them the most, gang members.

Welcome to the Hotel ITB

Something caught my attention this morning when reading the news. I don't read the newspaper or watch the news on television; mainly because the news is just a bunch of OTB "stories" that no one cares about. I don't need to know about Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac or some "mortgage crisis." You don’t have to run a front page story everyday about the commoners who took out loans from predatory lenders, got taken advantage of, lost their homes, and are now whining about it. We get it, they’re stupid. Seriously commoners, stop taking those loans, you’re just making yourselves look worse when the bank forecloses on your house after you’ve willingly been “taken advantage of.” You signed the papers, not me. The News and Observer basically reports on the same few topics everyday. They are,

a.) a Fort Bragg soldier who killed another Fort Bragg soldier, then lit a house/car/apartment on fire for some unknown reason. A baby is usually involved in the story somehow.
b.) an unidentified cab driver, Arby's employee, or gang member, who was shot in Cumberland County (Fayetteville), police are still searching for the suspect
c.) the House or Senate voted on some unimportant bill, law, or budget that doesn't affect me and that I don't understand
d.) the poor schools that don't have any money because they lack ITB parents that will donate thousands of dollars for no reason or if their child doesn't make it onto an athletic team
e.) the “mortgage crisis” and “recession” our country is (not) in

As for television news, all they do is read the newspaper out loud in front of a camera so the illiterate commoners can know what's going on in the world. These illiterate commoners will believe whatever the anchors tell them. I don't trust news anchors because no one should have that much power, except for me. Also because cougar news anchor Heather Childers never responded to my e-mail. It is for these reasons that I get my news from an exclusive site that only covers Raleigh and ITB. It is here that I found a story that is sure to cause an uproar in the ITB community. A new gel-head magnet is being planned. Crescent Resources wants to build a 5 to 8 story 28,000 square feet building that will have 290 apartments or condominiums available to any commoner that can afford it. The building will take the place of the Village Citgo and part of the parking deck that is next to McDonald's. The Village Citgo can't be torn down. It has the most expensive gas in Raleigh, which means it's the only place I can go fill up my SUV without having to see a bunch of commoners. This building is either the biggest threat to ITB or the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Sure this building sounds like a great idea. Who wouldn't want to live 278 feet (yeah I measured) from Felson's, Harris Teeter, Village Deli, Needham B. Broughton, and the Chick-fil-a that's coming soon? Well, the mere possibility of these 24 to 32 year old gel-heads with "jobs" like "graphic designer" or "bartender at Blue Martini" or "event promoter," buying these condos and being closer to Felson's makes me want to kill myself. An example of the catastrophic results that can occur when a building like this is put up ITB can be found at Oberlin Court. I assumed Oberlin Court would be exclusive, due to it's ITB location. Then someone sent me sickening evidence of the horrible gel-headedness that occurs there.

Unfortunately, “No gel in the pool” is not a rule, yet.

Gel heads greeting each other with a “fist bump”

See what happens when you let gel-heads live ITB? It's only a matter of time before these barb-wire tattooed, board short wearing, 2-door car driving, gel-heads show up and try to buy these condos and steal our ITB women. I'm going to have to get my ITB friends over at York Properties to ban the sale of these condos to gel heads. If that doesn't work, I'll be forced to purchase this building and rent the condos/apartments out, to fellow ITBers, as a place to go after a night at Felson’s. The Hotel ITB would only be open Thursday night through Sunday afternoon. It would be used solely for the purposes of early morning (the new late night), hooking up with younger ITB girls, and doing drugs in private, since Felson's doesn't have locks on the stalls anymore. The Hotel ITB would serve as a sort of non-rehab, because AA is for quitters and there’s no reason to stop partying just because a 40-year old bartender isn't there to serve you drinks. Also, living this close to the only bar in the world would decrease my chances of getting another DUI (I’ll probably still drive anyway) and increase the likelihood of my Dad wanting to pay for the building so he won’t have to give his badass lawyers more money. Don't worry; I will continue to drive my SUV to Harris Teeter even though it's across the street. I can’t be seen actually walking somewhere, people might think I'm worried about "global warming" or "high" gas prices. Driving down Oberlin, passing by White Memorial, taking a right on Glenwood, passing by The Club, taking another right on St. Mary's, taking a right into the back parking lot of Broughton, driving by Holliday Gym, onto Cameron St. heading back to Harris Teeter seems like the most logical route. I'd probably take 2 laps just to make sure I'm using a lot of gas. As incredible as the 3 night stays at Hotel ITB are going to be, I will still spend the rest of the week living in my own house that has a front porch and fenced in backyard for my black and yellow labs. Of course, all of this safeguarding against gel heads won't be necessary once my renovation plan is finished. More information on that plan will be posted soon.

The Trail(wood) of Tears

After the day I found out(side the beltline), I realized that I can't go through life telling people I'm ITB when a tool pigeon gel-head from Gorman St. can say the same thing. Determined to fix this problem, I drove home that day from the black hole that is Western Blvd. of Broken Dreams, and began to call all the important people that I know, which is a lot. I went through my entire Blackberry and iPhone (yeah, I have both) calling all my Dad’s friends for help. After a day of studying maps, traffic patterns, and property values I came up with a plan. The beltline must be rebuilt completely and a wall must be constructed to keep all types of commoners out. This plan will be unveiled in phases. It is dependent on Victor coming through with the funds and also on my ability to circumvent the City Council, lawmakers, construction crews, and protesters. I now present Phase I of the ITB Renovation Plan.


Phase 1 Trail(wood) of Tears
We must eliminate those who lower my property value. A good way to start will be to evacuate the indigenous peoples of Method Rd. as well as Western Blvd. “But William, how will you displace so many people? Where do you plan to move them?” Good questions. To displace the current “residents,” I’ve hired some younger ITB Indian Guides to do the work for me. It’s called outsourcing. My Dad says it’s the best way to make a profit, even though it’s ruining the U.S. economy. I don’t really care, as long as I’m still making money. The Indian Guides will attempt to barter with the Method Rd. savages by offering them shiny tin cans or fake Green Cards in exchange for their land. Not only will this prepare the ITB kids for later in life, by teaching them how to manipulate others and mistreat the less fortunate, but they will also receive a tribal feather. Apparently, the ITB Indian Guides get “displacement feathers” for forcing large groups of people, preferably an oppressed group, from one area to another. If anything goes wrong, I’ve got some Boy Scouts from White Memorial on speed dial.


20 displaced savages = 1 tribal feather. Brighton (pictured above) has already earned 3 feathers

If and when the tribes resist, they will be forced to walk from their homes (if you can call them that, anything under 10.000 sq. ft. should be considered a pool house) down the long and torturous Trail(wood) of Tears to a nice place in Durham that I have set aside for them. Why the Trail(wood) of Tears and why Durham? Even though the lack of sidestreets on this road will encourage the "natives" to escape into the woods, where they would construct some sort of mud hut/tee-pee/log cabin in an attempt to continue living ITB, the absence of fast-food restaurants will ensure that they continue moving towards Durham in order to find food. As for Durham, I used some of my trust fund money to buy the old Durham Bulls Park. I got the idea from Hurricane Katrina and the Superdome in New Orleans. Since that event was so successful, I’m sure we can house the foreign commoners here without any problems. Most of these people work in construction or own gas stations, so they shouldn’t have trouble finding a job. Durham will provide the gas station owners with the perfect clientele (people who spend 90% of their disposable income on cigarettes, malt liquor, beer, and scratch-off lottery tickets) to succeed in the industry. Durham’s new motto should just be "Durham: Paying for your child’s education one scratch off ticket at a time."

Once Western Blvd. is cleared out, it will become the ITB landfill. The only reason I’m allowing the filthy gel-head, American Eagle t-shirt wearing, Trailwood commoners to stay (they’ll still be OTB under my new plan) is because they pay taxes. Also, the gel heads will be downwind from our trash, making life even more miserable for them. Although, they probably won’t notice the stench due to the insane amount of Axe body spray they use on a daily basis. With all this space for trash, I won’t have to pay for that worthless recycling service the city “provides” (charges me for against my will). Why should I be forced to pay for a recycling service when I don’t even believe in recycling? I don’t care about the environment because it doesn’t care about me.

Cleaning out the Method Rd./Western Blvd. area will help to secure our borders and decrease crime. I realize that displacing those residents will cripple the construction, fast food, cleaning, lawn care, and service industries. I also know that no self-respecting ITB kid would actually have a part time job and if they did it sure as hell wouldn’t be a blue-collar job. So in order to fill these positions, I will allow gel-heads to get an ITB Work Visa* (because they pay taxes). This way our economy won’t continue in this mental recession and I can make fun of gel heads while they bring me my food at the drive-thru. This is just Phase I of my ITB renovation plan. It should be completed once I get these funds from Victor. More commoner-related issues and problems with our current beltline will be addressed in the near future.

*Note: The family that currently takes care of my lawn, cleans my house, and builds shit when my Dad tells them, will be allowed an ITB Work Visa even though they don’t pay taxes, are here illegally, and have been deported twice. It’s cheap labor, can you blame me?

(Garner)ing Attention

I received this e-mail a few days ago.

From: Beth Knox missncbookings@yahoo.com
To: William Needham Finley IV raleighitb@gmail.com
Date: Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 6:56 AM
Subject: (no subject)

Please remove immediately the photo of Amanda Watson that was posted without permission from your website.

Beth Knox
Business Manager and Executive Board Member,
Miss North Carolina Scholarship Pageant
919-274-3875
www.missnc.org

Apparently I'm not allowed to post the picture of Miss Not ITB. I've taken it down while my Dad's badass lawyers figure out if I actually have to do what this woman says.

Can’t (Miss N)C Me*

In other news, it appears that someone from Garner has gotten a hold of a computer and an internet connection. I didn't think I'd ever see this happen in my lifetime. There's also a slight chance that this person has learned to read and write, although I’m convinced he’s using a microphone and a computer program that types out what he says. He apparently has it out for me. Scroll to the very bottom of the page to see his comment.

Miss Garner crowned Miss NC

The above N&O comment comes from the same loser-commoner that left the following comment on the “Miss NC isn’t ITB” post:

"PAyscue said...
I suppose your parents are just so proud. This garbage will look really good on your resume."

First of all, I don't need a resume. I don't apply for jobs, they apply for me. Secondly, my parents are proud as shit, I can do absolutely no wrong in their eyes. After clicking on his hyperlinked name, “PAyscue,” it turns out that this guy runs a website devoted to Garner High School athletics. I would rather drag my oxygen tank** out to my SUV and spend an entire hour stuck in commoner infested traffic on Leesville Rd. than spend countless hours writing about anything related to Garner. Here's a link to this pathetic blog. I don't know why he wastes his time writing this, it's not like anyone in Garner can actually read or has access to computers.

Shitty blog about Garner High school athletics

Don't bother clicking the link, the only amazing thing about this blog is that there's a chance this guy is literate. However, there are a few things worth noting. The author has posted 225 times in the year 2008. There have only been 184 days in the year 2008, do the math. A description of the author reads "1979 graduate of Garner High School and lifelong Trojan supporter." You're 47 years old and you still haven't let go of the glory days*** in which you and your friends would sit in the Wal-Mart parking lot on Friday night, drinking your sorrows away, after losing another sporting event to a high school team with an actual athletics budget that could afford real jerseys and proper equipment; as opposed to the plain white t-shirts from Wal-Mart (with names and numbers written in permanent marker) that you used as jerseys and the second hand equipment that you either found in a landfill or bought at Play-it-Again Sports. Seriously, it's been 29 years, get over it. Obsessing over high school for countless years after graduating is pathetic. The only reason Broughton students still obsess over high school is because we actually have good memories to look back on, and because it's so close to Felson's. Examples of real “glory days” include the time that (insert name of BHS upperclassmen at the time the event took place) did (insert action of said upperclassmen) in (insert name of BHS teacher)’s class and everyone (insert reaction of students). Also, the time that (insert BHS upperclassmen) stood up during (insert name of event; assembly, Queen of Hearts, sporting event) and did that (insert action of BHS upperclassmen), that was so hilarious. (insert praise for said upperclassmen without sounding like you have a man-crush; “That guy was a riot!” or “Oh yeah, that guy was the man!” or “Yeah, I saw him at Crowley’s last weekend” are acceptable). Pretty much every single moment spent at BHS counts as something to talk about at any time one feels the need to reminisce. For Garner, I’m guessing it’s more like:

Billy Ray: “Remember the time we sat in the parking lot of (insert a commoner retail store or shopping center) and drank all that (insert cheap beer or moonshine) then talked about how much we hated (insert name of ITB High School) because of their (insert expensive noun that only BHS had; such as a gymnasium, classrooms with four walls, desks, books, and teachers with degrees)?
Billy Joe: “Yeah, to hell with them. Let’s go (insert typical Garner activity; make out with our siblings, shoot inanimate objects with guns, eat at Golden Corral, take a trip to the “swimmin’ hole," etc.).

It's also a bit odd that he posts upcoming events at Garner High school on his site. Why does a 47-year old man need to know when students should be registering for classes and turning in their parking permit fees and applications? (Insert obligatory Chris Hansen “To Catch a Predator” cliché joke.) I don’t know about Garner, but here in ITB, we call that pedophilia. I’m glad that you’re trying to branch out from your inbred family, but at least go for someone your own age. The ITB judges that my Dad put on the bench are pretty serious about this type of offense. I suggest you stay put in Garner, forever.

*This is a reference to 2Pac’s “Can’t C Me.” If you aren’t familiar with it, it’s probably because you were too poor to afford a CD player/radio/tape deck. Now that you have internet access you can view the video here:

**I’m forced to use an oxygen tank whenever I have to spend extended periods of time OTB (even though it is a very rare occurrence.) Since OTB doesn’t have trees, it is impossible for my ITB conditioned lungs to function. When traveling to Colorado, where the air is thinner, I don't need my tank because the amount of trees at the expensive resorts I stay at provide plenty of oxygen.

***You technically aren't allowed to refer to any time spent in Garner as "glory days." Since the term is generally used to refer to "the greatest period of a person's life" and since living in Garner can only get worse with each passing second, any time in the past should be considered the “glory days,” mainly because it’s over with and better than being alive in Garner in the present.

Miss NC isn't ITB

Amanda Watson was just named Miss NC. Unfortunately for Amanda, she's from Garner. I repeat, she is from Garner. To whoever chose the winner of the Miss NC Pageant; What the hell are you doing? How the hell is NC supposed to win anything with someone from Garner representing us? I can already see the results of the Miss America pageant now. And the winner is……..not Miss NC. Are we actually trying to lose the Miss America pageant? Is this a make-a-wish? This girl looks pretty healthy to me, which is surprising since she's a product of Garner, where people are still regularly infected with dysentery. How can you have a non-Raleigh non-Deb serving as Miss NC? You better hope there isn't a literacy test or even a speaking portion of the pageant. If so, we're dead. I don't even want to refer to her as "we." I'm sure she's a nice girl and meets all the criteria of becoming Miss NC. However, nice doesn't make up for being OTB.

(Don't worry, this picture is only being taken down temporarily.)

Miss Not ITB

After looking through the Miss NC website, I've come to the realization that ITB girls don't participate in the Miss NC pageants for a number of reasons. If they won, which they would, they would have to leave ITB and travel to other cities and towns of NC, even the poor areas. They would also be required to "help others" by reading to elementary school kids and making appearances at "Tractor Shows." Thankfully, ITB girls don't meet all of the "Required Skills for Miss NC," which I found on their website. These "skills" and how they relate to ITB girls are listed below:

Required Skills for Miss NC

Time management – Impossible for ITB girls. Everyone knows that they've been taught to display power over others by making people wait for them.

Communication – ITB girls have this one down. There's not an ITB girl under the age of 11 that hasn't already owned at least 3 cell phones.

Using Maps – maps? What would they use maps for?

Energetic – most ITB girls I know are usually energetic, especially after a night of taking jager bombs and doing blow in the bathroom of Felson's.

Oragnized – The following is a quote from 2007 Miss NC regarding organization. "Because you are always on the go, it is important to have everything you need, where you need it. In other words, you will live out of your car." – That's so poor. However, the current winner from Garner is probably used to this. Although, I'm not sure that mobile homes count as cars…. An ITB girl wouldn't settle for anything less than a 5 star hotel, if she actually had to leave Raleigh.

Gracious – ITB girls know that you are there to serve them, they don't have to be gracious.

Friendly – Only to other ITBers of course.

Independent – ITB girls are actually totally independent. It is acceptable to live on Dad's credit card while they spend a year or two in New York trying to be a fashion designer/interior designer/actor/model, only to move back to Raleigh after 2 years to show off all the "experience" they gained from living in such an "amazing place" where they "learned so much." The part time job they get at Uniquities upon their return, is not only ITB, but it allows them to claim that they are now working in the "fashion industry." Miss NC probably had to have an actual job while growing up, pathetic.

Creative – ITB girls display their creativity in many ways. Just because they all wear the exact same clothing, sunglasses, and accessories does not mean they aren't creative. As a whole, they are a lot more creative than the rest of the commoners who can't afford $500 purses.

Ambitious - ITB girls don't need to be ambitious. Doors open for them. There are no glass ceilings for ITB girls. Why be ambitious?

These requirements are bullshit. ITB girls realize winning Miss NC is a worthless title, which is why not a single girl from Raleigh even "competed" in this pageant. Obviously, these commoner girls who compete to be Miss NC are doing so because they are ineligible for Miss ITB. I found out that anyone can put these "pageants" on. Apparently, people in Johnston/Buncombe/Cabarrus/Forsyth/any other random shit hole county can just throw together a "pageant" and have their girls eligible for Miss NC. I'm sure these local contests consist of a bunch of drunks gathering at the fairgrounds to watch commoner girls walk up and down a shitty "stage" (that's been constructed out of picnic tables) then answer questions like "What is your home address?" or "Can you spell your name?" or "Is your father also your cousin and your brother?" Clearly, winning Miss NC is far less of an accomplishment than being Queen of Hearts. If I wanted to, I could have one of these pageants in my own house. I just don't think my parents would allow so many OTB cars in our driveway. If I did create a Miss ITB pageant, some of the requirements would be; she would have to be able to handle the standard 3 night tour of Felson's every weekend, be a Deb, be a member of CCC, and have been Queen of Hearts or Prom Queen at Broughton (or both).

So go ahead Amanda, represent Miss NC at the Miss America Pageant. At first, I thought you guys had let me down, then I realized that you just don't matter. Here in ITB we have better things to do than fawn over a bunch of 24 year old illiterate commoners. Countless Mom-hours are spent planning and hosting pageants all across the state in preparation for a larger and completely irrelevant event. What ITBer would spend months attending all of these pageants and contests attempting to achieve self-validation through the praise and approval of others, all while doing absolutely nothing to merit such approval? Who has time for this worthlessness? After all, Deb Season is just around the corner, which means that ITB girls have more important things to worry about than some lame pageant.

The Day I Found Out(side the belt line)

I know that you are anxiously awaiting the details of my ITB renovation plan. I want to first discuss the background of why and how this plan came to be. It's been a long process, driven by my hatred for gel-heads and anything OTB. It all started 20 some odd years ago…

I was 5 years old when I first saw the massive stretch of black and broken asphalt that is Western Blvd. At the time, I thought the asphalt represented the cracked and broken dreams of the residents who lived in that area. I didn't know what poverty was, why would I? Yet, I knew something was wrong with this area. As we drove by rows of dilapidated fast food "restaurants", gas stations, and a Jiffy Lube, I could have sworn I was in Fayetteville , although I'd never actually been there. As I read the signs, yes I could read at age 5, of these "businesses", I realized that I was still in Raleigh. "Go Pack! Eat here!", "Hamburgers 99 cents for NCSU students", "Malt liquor!", "Get your oil changed in 30 minutes! Go Pack!", were just a few of the advertisements I saw. Whatever this place was, it was miserable. At such a young age, I had no concept of where the beltline began and ended, I just knew that I was taught to dislike everything outside of it. It wasn't until later in life that I found out from my friend Forrest that Western Blvd is in fact ITB. I seem to remember it went something like this.

Forrest: "Hey William did you hear the Bojangles' on Western Blvd. burned down?"
Me: "Haha awesome, now the dorm rats (I'll explain later) from State won't be able to eat there 4 times a day. I'm sure they'll start to infest some other shit hole OTB joint that doesn't actually have menus or tablecloths."
Forrest: "Will, Western Blvd is ITB, the entire road is basically ITB. Have you ever gone further than Hillsborough St.?"

It was then that I realized I hadn't. Why would I ever need to cross over to the other side of Hillsborough St.?

Forest reminded me: "Well William, there are a lot of drug dealers over there."
Me: "Are you retarded? I get my drugs delivered to my door by that sketchy guy who works at Sadlack's. It's not like I actually go over there to buy my own drugs, I send someone to do that for me."

There's no way Forrest was thinking clearly, after all we had both just spent the last 4 hours getting high and playing Halo. I had to find out for myself. I immediately got in my SUV and drove to Hillsborough St. so I could check my in-dash GPS to see where the beltline ended. Forrest was right. I had heard of Trailwood, Avent Ferry Rd., and Gorman St., before, but I had never actually been there. To me it was just the area full of poorly constructed apartment complexes where dorm rats (I'm about to explain) were forced to live after their freshman year at State because they could barely afford the $325 a month rent (that includes cable). (Note: It's not real cable, it's that standard $45 package that anyone with a shitty non-HD TV can get, these kids can't afford my $257.98 a month digital cable package that includes every channel ever made, all the HD channels, and high-speed internet.) For those of you who don't know, a dorm rat is sort of a pre-gel head or a gel head in its infancy. They are poor, they didn't live in University Towers, they wear NC State paraphernalia everywhere, they actually sit in the student section at athletic events (after having to wait in line for tickets). They go everywhere in packs (to save gas), all sporting backwards NC State hats. Their diet consists of Ramen noodles, Mountain Dew, and free pizza from any event held on campus that will give it to them. A dorm rat will gladly sign his life away for a credit card if it comes with a piece of pizza and a free t-shirt. Dorm rats attend Sammy's Bar and Grill and Jax Sports Bar religiously and have memorized all of the wing specials and student discount nights at each of these "bars". They lack personal hygiene, never showering on consecutive days, and change their sheets once a year, resulting in them having to sleep on a Shroud of Turin type rag by the end of spring semester.

Dorm rats are non-existent in University Towers because it's not a dorm. It's technically not part of the University, is expensive as shit, and has a private parking deck, making it impossible for dorm rats to reside there. Obviously, after freshman year, students from University Towers move to the correct side of Hillsborough St. into a nice house off of Wade Ave. or Dixie Trail where they continue to live an exclusive ITB lifestyle due to their close proximity to Nelson's (RIP)/Foster's and Broughton. Until that conversation with Forrest, I had no idea that these dorm rat commoners could rightfully say they were ITB. I had spent all my time worrying about north Raleigh OTB intruders that I didn't even realize there were problems so close to home. You might think, "Well, William since Western Blvd is ITB shouldn't you embrace these people as equals?" To that I say, fuck no, have you actually seen what exists beyond Hillsborough St? I decided to survey the area, and it wasn't pretty.

(Western) Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Not only is Western Boulevard home to pre-gel heads and full fledged gel heads, but it also houses a diverse international community. For reasons unknown, many foreign settlers have chosen Method Rd.(which intersects with Western Blvd.) as their new homeland. One reason may be the availability of an open field, which these hunter-gatherers use as a place to kick around a half inflated "ball" in an attempt at recreation. Drive down Method Rd. and you'll think you were in South America working for National Geographic. It's as if tribal community leaders decided that being located close to a Subway, gas stations, a Food Lion, and an open field would be a Utopia. I don't have such a big problem with these settlers as I do with the gel-heads. Mainly because history has shown it's not too hard to displace large groups of indigenous people, as long as you use force or at least "trade" them some beads for their land. Once the construction for my plan begins, these people will have to move, which is something they should be used to by now. The main group I'm concerned about dealing with is the gel-heads. They're not going to be happy once my renovation plan is implemented. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, or just burn the bridge down so the OTB commoners can't come inside the beltline.

Capital Punishment

A fellow ITB friend of mine called me this morning with shocking news. As he was driving by Broughton on his way to work, he noticed a group of homely OTB-looking high school students, dressed in red graduation robes, standing in the senior parking lot. At first he thought these were students from Sanderson trying to experience what it's like to attend Broughton. There was a lack of general douchebaggery in the air, so he knew it couldn't be them. I thought this might be a Senior class prank, where the students were pretending to be from OTB by putting those shitty trailers in the parking lot. Wearing those communist red robes they would say to each other, "Oh, hey look at my shitty trailer I live in, I'm OTB, look how worthless I am. I'm a waste of oxygen. Let's go hang out at the food court of Crabtree." If it was a prank, I'm sure it would have ended after five minutes with someone coming to the realization that pretending to be OTB isn't a good prank or even funny at all. Someone would say, "Enough of this shit, OTB blows, let's go eat at the Club." My fellow ITB friend was sure these kids were not ITB, they were too ragged and unattractive. "These clearly aren't Broughton students, I've never seen them at Crowley's," he said. Something was going on, and I had to know what. I jumped in my SUV and drove the 1.4 mile distance down St. Mary's St. from my house to Broughton. I got out and confronted the first heathen I came across. One of the little shits informed me that he was from Middle Creek High School(I'll address this later) and stammered, "Our graduation is in Holiday gym." On Thursday, June 12, 2008 at 10:00am, Broughton's own Holiday gym would be hosting the graduation of another high school, blasphemous.

I investigated further, "Yeah, I can see that, but why are you here?" I asked the commoner. "Because our gym doesn't have air conditioning and we don't want to die of heat exhaustion during the ceremony," he replied. I had news for this kid, "Well you better get used to the heat because you'll be changing my oil, fixing my plumbing, and building my new pool house after graduating from Middle Creek High. No white-collar jobs for you my friend," I replied. He then handed me the News and Observer that he was using to fan himself with, and showed me this article. http://www.newsobserver.com/news/story/1101323.html. Don't bother reading the whole thing, the most important and shocking part is quoted below.

"Middle Creek High School swallowed its pride and is graduating inside Broughton High's spacious air-conditioned gym. Broughton Principal Roy Teel said none of the other schools took advantage of the option.
"It's hard to have a graduation in another school's gym," Teel said."

Well, it's obviously not hard enough since you welcomed them with open arms and even gave other schools this option. Roy Teel. Oh I remember you, Teel, you were principal during my Daniels Middle School days. Your constant Mr. Ed impression amused me as a 12-year old, but those days are over. Now you're allowing other non-Broughton students to graduate in the same gym that I watched Queen of Hearts assemblies in. Are you out of your mind? We're not talking just regular students, these kids are from Cary, from a school that is 6 years old, http://middlecreekhs.wcpss.net/about.htm. That's 6/79ths as old as Broughton, in case you were trying to do the math in your head. What's next? Are you going to shut down the pool on the fourth floor? I don't know why you currently run the show at Needham B. Broughton. Last I heard you were hawking cheap sport coats at the men's department of Lord and Taylor. All of the sudden you take the reins from D. Payne and are in charge of the most prestigious school in the country, how did that happen? This graduation fiasco never would have happened under the watch of D. Payne.

"OTBers? Not in my gym" - D. Payne

Also, "Middle Creek swallowed its pride and is graduating inside Broughton High's spacious air-conditioned gym". Swallowed its pride? In order to have pride, you have to have something to be proud of. Your 42% literacy rate, your Valedictorian's 2.1 GPA, and the fact that you learned how to make crystal meth in your science lab do not count as things to be proud of. (Note: Their science "lab" is actually a shed where a toothless meth addict teaches the children how to properly mix the Windex and cough syrup to create that "perfect high".) Although, it is quite remarkable that these students have survived to the age of 18, when you consider that they had to overcome the effects of OTB inbreeding without the aid of health care. Who cares if they can't take the heat, they're OTB as shit. Make them graduate in their own sauna of a gym, if they even have one. Who's paying for the delousing of the campus after they're done? I know we aren't charging them, they obviously can't afford it. I certainly hope you aren't passing these costs off on Caps Club members, I will flip my shit. Someone needs to be held responsible for allowing this tragedy to occur. Roy, I think we both know what needs to happen. You can go ahead and send me your resignation on Monday.

Note: I was planning on unveiling my ITB renovation plan today. Obviously, that had to be set aside after I received the graduation tip this morning. I know a lot of you are eagerly waiting for the plans to be revealed so you can invest in what will be the greatest renovation Raleigh has ever seen. I'll share it soon.

$17,671,848.47 Part Two: Victor-y

Finally heard back from Victor. It turns out he's from the United Kingdom and not some shitty country that lacks indoor plumbing and Harris-Teeters. I watch a lot of NBC's Dateline, mainly "To Catch a Predator". I love watching 40 year olds get busted for harassing girls half their age. I also watch the specials on e-mail scams, so I was still a little suspicious about doing business with a complete stranger, especially an OTB stranger. My hesitation quickly disappeared when Victor sent me his passport picture (below). Since he's trusting me to not steal his identity, I know I can trust him and believe whatever he tells me. Here's his most recent e-mail:

This is real. Please wait to steal his identity until after I get my $17,671,848.47.

From: Victor Achums <mr_victorachums002@yahoo.es>
Date: Mon, June 2, 2008 at 3:00 AM
Subject: Urgent and Reply Me
To: William Needham Finley IV <raleighitb@gmail.com>

My Dear William Needham,

I got the mail you sent to me, i want to let you know that i can only make sure that the fund is in your possession by Diplomatic means. Now listen well, I was advised by a financial expert that the only safety way to move any fund above a million dollar is through diplomatic luggage.

Then, I asked him to give more lights on that including the risk behind it, he told me that there is one company name Thebe Securities and Finance Ltd who are strongly behind this arrangement. He took me directly to the company and we meet the Managing Director and he promised me that they can deliver the consignment to your doorstep.

Now, I would like to know whether it is possible for you to accept the consignment diplomatically before I can go back to the company to finalize things with them. Once you recieve the fund in your country the fund will invested in estate properties and Hotel management.when i hear from you i will start changing the beneficiary status of this fund with your name in the security company as the sole beneficiary of this fund.

Send me the following Information in other to process the Documents immediately in your name.

(1.) Your full Name and Address,Your passport Photo for your Identification.
(2.) Your private cell phone and fax numbers.
(3) Your Occupation.

And i will send the vital documents that will secure by my attorney that back you up for claim.please view the attachment that my International passport for my Identification.Kindly send your own passport for verify you are the one.

i wait your urgent response today.

Regards,
Mr.Victor Achums.
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From: William Needham Finley IV <raleighitb@gmail.com>
Date: Tue, June 3, 2008 at 5:09 PM
Subject: Re: Urgent and Reply Me
To: Victor Achums <mr_victorachums002@yahoo.es>

Victor,

I am the one. I will gladly accept the consignment diplomatically, even though I don't know what that means. I'm not a fan of diplomats or diplomacy, especially with anyone OTB. Why can't I just come take this money from wherever it's located? You tell me where it is, then I'll send someone to go get it. We have got to work on your English, my man. You write like a 20-year-old drunk Leesville student. You're from the United Kingdom, not Bosnia. English is your native language, get it together. Don't worry, we can use some of this money to pay people to talk for you, (they're called interpreters) or at least get you a 3rd grade English textbook. Thanks for finding a company that will assist us with this transaction. I've got to hand it to you, you've really got everything covered. I don't know where I would have found someone like Thebe Securities to "deliver consignments". I checked their website, http://www.plj.co.za/ThebeSec/OurDetails/AboutUs.aspx and was impressed by their professionalism. I'm sure they'll be able to explain everything, since I am totally unfamiliar with the process of moving funds through diplomatic luggage and really don't understand anything that you've told me so far. Are you just putting the cash in one of those metal suitcases they use in the movies? My luggage is expensive as shit, even though I rarely travel outside the beltline, but I don't know if it's diplomatic. So, once I receive the funds, they will be invested in estate properties and hotel management? Does this mean I won't need to get my parent's accountant involved? I really don't want to include them in this deal. I would hate to have to share a portion of my $17,671,848.47 with them, or even worse, pay taxes on it. Once this is invested, when do I get my share? I've got some big plans for it that I can't discuss at this time. Here's all the information you need,

William Needham Finley IV
333 ITB Dr.
Raleigh, NC 27605

My private cell phone is (919) 821-5969
My private fax number is (919) 787-0893
My occupation: Socialite

I don't have my passport with me, but I know it's at my house somewhere. I'll find it and send it to you soon. Other than that, let's get going, I can't wait to share in our fortune! Thanks again Victor.

Yours truly,
William Needham Finley IV
-------------------------------------------------------------
So now I wait for Victor to send me the diplomatic luggage. Making money has never been this easy, except for when I turned 21 and was given access to my trust fund. I've got some big plans for this $17,671,848.47. I can't share any details at this time because I'm still waiting to hear back from the city council, the city planner, a road construction crew, and the Governor. It's sort of a "rezoning" project that is part of my larger ITB restoration plan. All I can say is that this project will be welcomed by fellow ITB residents as it will increase property values, make roads safer, and most importantly, eliminate a large portion of gel-heads. When it's finished, your maps of Raleigh will be useless and outdated. Even if my $17 million and change doesn't cover the costs, I'm still going through with this project. It's been a dream of mine for years, and it's time to make that dream a reality.

Meet Me at the Yacht Club

It's that time of year again. That's right, Memorial Day, a day to remember wars or Presidents or Martin Luther King Jr. or something. For me, Memorial Day is a time to reflect on the good old days before the outer loop was built, before those OTB shopping centers anchored by a Kroger started providing food for people OTB, and before miserable Cary even existed. I spent this Memorial Day at Wrightsville Beach, one of the few acceptable places to go when one leaves ITB. What makes it an acceptable place to go? The fact that about 75 of my ITB friends went with me. It's important that we outnumber all of the losers in Wilmington who rank just above the typical downtown Raleigh gel-head on the "I'd rather kill myself than be seen at the same bar with (insert type of loser)" chart. I'll put the chart up later if anyone is interested. Instead of being infested with gel-heads, Wilmington is full of losers who go to the bar wearing either a combination of a designer baseball hat, some type of surfing branded t-shirt (or some lame t-shirt that they got off some lame website), and jeans that don't fit. Either that, or they look like they just got off the set of an X-Games commercial. Since none of their clothes seem to fit, I'm guessing they just wear hand-me-downs or shop at Goodwill. They obviously can't afford tailored clothes.

Typical Wilmington

Now that I've got numbers, taking my 60' Carver Yacht, with my 38' Regulator boat alongside it, out to Masonboro is standard procedure on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. I take the yacht out so I can watch television, have my own bedroom for hooking up/drugs, and so I can shower before going to the bar. The 38 footer is just to drive to the bar, that way I don't risk getting another DUI. My 60 foot yacht...

Masonboro, you must be this long to ride...

After stopping at Dockside to get lunch, I head to the yacht club where I make the dock hand get my ice and beer, fill up my coolers, and gas up my boats. At this point I'm ready for a day of non-stop debauchery. I always bring at least 10 extra life jackets. No this isn't for safety, this is for when some drunk skank passes out on my boat and I have to leave her in the water so her loser surfer boyfriend can paddle over and pick her up. I also take 7 cell phones because I will inevitably lose 3 in the water, 3 at the bar, and hopefully be able to hang on to one to use on the way back to ITB so I can call everyone and tell them how shitfaced I got.

The only downside to Masonboro is that it's free. There isn't a wall around it, or a way to make people pay to anchor their boat there, or even a boat length requirement. As a result, even after taking the proper measures to ensure that I would have the most ITB experience possible, commoners still managed to be present. If only they charged $500 a day to allow you to anchor, none of these surfer commoners would be able to afford it, based off their shitty $7 an hour jobs at surf shops or shit hole restaurants at the beach. Tragically, these losers can show up in their Corona board shorts at any time. As much as I hate sharks, for many reasons, one being that they're basically the al-Qaeda of the Atlantic Ocean, terrorizing people (you never know when they're going to strike) such as myself, preventing me from ever setting foot in the ocean, it would be nice if they could pick off one or two of these commoners every now and then. After spending the day on the boat getting hammered and listening to hardcore gangster rap that I can in no way relate to, I shower on my boat, (because I can), and then head to the beach bars.

I go out to the beach bars at night because downtown Wilmington is full of military tough guys who want to beat the shit out of me because of who I am, (someone who is better than them). I like to stick with 22 North or Jerry Allen's because they contain the least amount of Wilmington surfer dudes. Even when I get thrown out of these places for urinating in the sink when the stalls are full, they still let me in the next night because I spend so much money there. One place I'll never go again is Red Dogs, mainly because of it's close resemblance to a welfare line.

Welfare line a.k.a Red Dogs at the turn of the century, nothing has changed.

Walk into Red Dogs and you'll immediately notice the presence of 40 oz. beers being served in brown paper bags, unattractive girls carrying "fishbowls" full of liquor around, the lack of a Visa machine, and a large number of typical Wilmington commoners. Red Dogs does not accept credit/debit cards, they only accept cash as a method of payment. What kind of bar only takes cash? I'm assuming they do this because their clientele can't afford a standard checking account or the $6.00 fee that comes with it each month. I don't carry cash because there's a high probability that a homeless person has come in contact with it. Also, if I'm ever caught off guard by either a.) someone trying to rob me, b.) a homeless person asking for money, or c.) someone from a charity asking for donations, they're all out of luck, unless they've got a Visa machine handy. Avoiding Red Dogs and staying at 22 North enabled me to have another classic Memorial Day weekend. I can't wait to do it all again on July 4th, the day we won independence from the British, sorry Victor no hard feelings, I'm still waiting on that $17 million and change.

$17,671,848.47 - Part One

That's how much money I'm about to receive from my new best friend, Mr. Victor Achums. Victor recently contacted me through e-mail with a once in a lifetime offer. Apparently, he has 25.5 million pounds (about $50 million) that he needs to get out of his country. The problem is, he can't leave right now and needs the help of someone like myself to "stand as beneficiary to receive this money ". I'm not positive, but I'm guessing he contacted me because of how ITB I am. Hopefully, this isn't one of those Internet e-mail scams that are so popular these days. I don't think it is, mainly because all those other scams involve a Nigerian prince that says he's going to give you $9 million if you help him get the rest of his $55 million fortune out of some random bank. Everyone knows those aren't real since no one in Nigeria has that kind of money, (Nigeria's GDP in 2006 was $987.22), and they don't have banks. I'm pretty sure they just use conflict diamonds as a form of currency, or maybe that's in the Congo...... Victor, on the other hand, appears to be a nice enough guy who is from what seems to be a real country, that actually does have a functioning government, electricity, and most likely real banks. He also hasn't asked me for any money or anything, so this can't possibly be a scam. I'm going to go ahead and assume this guy is legit, he even assured me that there "is no risk attach to you in this business". I can't wait to get my hands on that $17,671,848.47, I still don't know how I'm going to spend it. His initial e-mail and my response are below.

From: Mr.Victor Achums <marcovalieri1@tin.it>
Date: Wed, May 14, 2008 at 4:33 PM
Subject: Urgent and Reply Me
To: William Needham Finley IV <raleighitb@gmail.com>

Urgent and Reply Me
I write to request your co-operation in my desire to find a foreign partner who will assist me in the relocation and investment of the sum of twenty five million five hundred thousand pounds (25.5 million pounds),which is presently available and in my possession.Presently,I am a serving government functionary in my Native Country.The money was realised from gratification/kickbacks which was received from foreign contractors who executed contracts for my country in the last 2 years. I am unable to travel out now,so i shall be glad if you can stand as beneficiary to receive this money abroad,and also nominate a good investment facility in your country where the fund will be placed,for profits making.I am offering you 35% of total sum after the transfer. The entire plan and documents ofthis transaction will be forwarded to you as soon as i receive your positive response. I also want to assure you that there is no risk attach to you in this business.


MR Victor Achums

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From: William Needham Finley IV <raleighitb@gmail.com>
Date: Tue, May 20, 2008 at 11:03 AM
Subject: Re: Urgent and Reply Me
To: mr_victorachums002@yahoo.es

Victor,
Look no further, you've found your partner (in completely heterosexual terms). I'm guessing you're probably aware of my economic status and are contacting me after reading about how I pulled that shitty town in South Carolina out of a recession. I would be more than happy to help you relocate and invest that 25.5 million pounds that you can't spend because you are unable to travel out of the country now. Hopefully, you aren't stuck somewhere like North Korea because you'll most likely never get out......alive. I would hate for you to not be able to spend your share of the 25.5 million pounds. So feel free to transfer the sum over my way and I'll get right on investing it for "profits making" as you put it. I've got a lot of ideas for using the profits of my 35% of 25.5 million pounds, which I figure is approximately $17,671,848.47, although I probably shouldn't convert it to American dollars, since $1 is equal to about .52 pounds. I wonder if I could pay for the labor and materials to build my wall around the beltline with pounds...... That can be figured out later, for now, go ahead and forward the "entire plan and documents" and let's get started. If you have any trouble getting the money out, I know of a small Mexican boy who owes me a favor. I hear they're great at smuggling things in and out of other countries. Hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,
William Needham Finley IV
ITB Raleigh, NC
raleighitb@gmail.com
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Again, I've got some good ideas about how I'm going to spend this fortune, but I'm open to suggestions.

Put Down the Haterade

I don't normally respond to anything in the comments section of the posts, mainly because I don't know if the people leaving the comments are from ITB. I don't waste my time on anyone who doesn't eat at Village Deli, or pre-game before shopping at Harris Teeter in Cameron Village on a regular basis (meaning at least 5 times a week). However, I feel that the comment below deserves a response.

Anonymous said...

hey william keep ur opinions to urself cause ur daddy gave u his gold credit card who can't pick up any girls jackass...oh and the owners of nelsons and fosters r friends with the owners of lucky's...figure it out and give ur head a shake

May 15, 2008 11:07 AM

My response...

Gel-head,

First of all, it's a Black Card not a Gold Card, this is ITB we're talking about, not Wal-Mart. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be so hard on you for not knowing that. I'm guessing you're just used to using food stamps and money orders as methods of payment at wherever it is you can afford to shop. I can't tell if you are saying my "daddy" can't pick up any girls or if I can't pick up any girls. My "daddy" picks up plenty of women on business trips and my mom is ITB so she's obviously a MILF (according to all my friends). I'm sorry your family is too poor for the occasional nose job or botox procedures that my mom gets whenever my dad tells her to. If you're implying that I don't pick up any girls, then you're obviously just retarded. Have you been to Foster's before? If you can't pick up girls at Foster's you either have leprosy or are a homosexual. Have you seen the level of talent that shows up on a nightly basis? I guess you've only seen it from afar since the bouncer has never let you in, due to your OTB zip code, hair gel, spray on tan, and vertical striped light purple shirt. What does the owners of Foster's and Nelson's (RIP) knowing the owners of "Lucky's" have to do with anything? Since "Lucky's" isn't Foster's I can only assume it's a shitty bar somewhere downtown where you and you're gel-head friends go after a few hours of playing beer pong in the shitty apartment off of Trailwood that you live in. I'm sure you spend all your time at "Lucky's" drinking Heineken and quoting "Borat" like it came out yesterday, "Niiiiiiice, High-five!". I'm not sure what there is to "figure out" other than why our City Council still hasn't put up a wall around the belt line to keep people like you out of my sight. Why didn't you use punctuation or actually spell out words in your comment? At first I thought maybe you typed it from a cell phone, but then I realized you don't have a Blackberry or iPhone. Was literacy not that big of a topic during the three years you spent at Leesville before dropping out? I guess you'll reply whenever you make it back to the public library, since you probably don't own a computer or have access to the Internet.


As I said earlier, I don't enjoy wasting my time responding to people this stupid. I promise it won't happen again. It's almost 6:00, I've got to head up to Harris Teeter at Cameron Village to check out the talent.

Triangle Beach Music Festival: Carolina Cup for Commoners

Some friends of mine have been talking about an upcoming event called the "Triangle Beach Music Festival", also known as "TBMF". After some investigating, I've decided that I will not be attending this commoner infested event. From looking at the pictures online, this event and the crowd that it attracts are below me in so many ways.

Garner's Finest. Notice the "Save Water, Drink Beer" t-shirt and the lack of collared shirts in the picture.

This "festival" appears to be some form of Carolina Cup for poor people. Apparently, this "TBMF" is just a stage on some random farm where a lot of rednecks get hammered and try to "shag" while old men play shitty music and stare at hot girls. Not only is the Beach Music Festival not ITB, it's in Garner, which is essentially a 3rd world country. I'm not even sure they have the Internet. Most Garner residents have more Dale Earnhardt Jr. cut off t-shirts than teeth. You could clothe an entire Darfur refugee camp with the sheer amount of sleeves that have been cut off of these redneck's t-shirts. I can't think of anything worse than being surrounded by commoners like this for 8 hours. Why would anyone want to go stand in the heat and listen to this "music" for hours while having to drag a cooler of alcohol around the whole time? If there's not a hot waitress or 40-year old bartender to wait on me, I'm not going. The only reason people get so blackout at "TBMF" is because they have to listen to beach music for 8 hours. If I wanted to listen to a bunch of dudes, who are about to croak, sing some shitty songs about shagging, I'd just pay them to play in the parking lot of Foster's at Cameron Village, (for 2 hours at the most) or in my backyard. Here's some background information on these losers that have been around for over 40 years....

The Band of Oz - "Formed in 1967 as a part-time band playing fraternity parties and high school proms all over the South."

It's been over 40 years and these guys haven't hit it big yet. What makes them think that TBMF is going to be their "big break"? Due to Alzheimer's and dementia, 6 of 8 band members don't know where they are 90% of the time. I'm pretty sure I saw at least 3 of these guys on "To Catch a Predator:Beach Music Bands"

Craig Woolard Band - "Craig spent twenty-seven years singing with The Embers. Craig was voted class President at Washington High and went on to attend Duke University. His dad, was an attorney, and had high hopes of Craig following in his footsteps – that didn't happen. Craig was destined to be an entertainer."

Craig Woolard - not a lawyer

Way to let your father down, asshole. You graduated from a private school (that's so ITB) and you threw it all away to play shitty songs for commoners at places like TBMF and the parking lot of Target in Knightdale. I'm sure your father is proud.

General Norman Johnson and The Chairmen of the Board - "In the spring of 1966 in Raleigh, North Carolina, as lead singer of the Showmen, I performed before my first Beach Music audience."

It's been 42 years, he should be dead from all the blow he's done by now, yet he continues to perform "hits" from the 1960s for drunk people all over the South. General Johnson, you are legendary, only because I'm pretty sure you played at a Broughton Prom or an ITB Deb Ball at one point in your "career". I hope you don't die from a heat stroke or exhaustion on Saturday.

Spare Change - they don't even deserve a picture
An appropriate name for this band, as they will most likely be homeless within the next 4 months. They should probably go ahead and add a "?" to the end of their name so they can get used to asking rich people for money.

I also noticed this warning on their website "NO OVERNIGHT CAMPING IS PERMITTED AT THE EVENT!!!". This warning probably means that someone has tried to camp at the event before. Typical free loading commoner, always trying to get something for nothing. I'm guessing Garner doesn't even have 5 star hotels. I'd rather spend an hour at Tool Pigeons (yeah, I said it) than spend a day in Garner surrounded by a bunch of fat 50 year old commoner-sexual predators. I can only handle one 40-year old pervert hitting on hot girls at a time and that's why I go to Foster's. I won't be attending this event for the above stated reasons, see ya at Foster's.

R.I.P. Nelson's

After talking to the owners of the building that once housed "the only bar in the world" (according to the poll results), it's official……Nelson's is dead. Pause for a moment of silence. Before I continue, I want to take time to say goodbye to Nelson's. Nelson's was the cause of 13,324 random hook-ups. The place where 49,242 jager bombs were taken. The scene of countless "fights" that inevitably turned into a group of guys yelling at each other in the parking lot before going to late night. No fights actually occurred, but that one night I swear I would have beaten the shit out of that commoner if he hadn't driven off in his Nissan Xterra. Nelson's was also the cause of 62 trips to planned parenthood. It was the birthplace of 94 DUIs, including mine. It was the only ITB bar (other than Crowley's) that never once turned away an underage ITB female. Finally, Nelson's served as a safe haven for ITB residents who couldn't stand the thought of having to associate with the less fortunate(poor people). Nelson's, you will be missed by many. Although I only remember 10% of the time that I spent there, I will never forget the impact you had on ITB.

For those of you who haven't killed yourselves yet, step back off that ledge, because according to this sign, Foster's is moving back to Cameron Village in May.

Total advertising budget for Foster's: $40.40.

Let that sink in for a minute. At first, I was unsure why Foster's only spent $40.40 on signage. The signs on the building are so small and plain. An announcement of this magnitude deserves to be put on a 40 foot banner hung from the Broughton bell tower (yeah I've been inside it), or should at least make the front page of the N&O. You wouldn't find any news about this epic comeback on News 14 Carolina, since cougar Heather Childers still hasn't responded to my e-mail. All News 14 cares about is poor people shooting each other over drugs or "inner city crime" as they call it, the "drought", "rising gas prices" and the Charlotte Bobcats. They even cover stories about OTB, it's absurd. Well none of that shit affects me, so why bother even reporting on it? There isn't a drought, I have water (and an awesome lawn because of it), crime doesn't exist where I live, and I'm glad gas prices are going up. $5 a gallon gas makes it harder for poor people to drive, thus clearing the road for my SUV. It also makes the roads look nicer because poor people can't drive their shitty cars around town. (Note: "shitty cars" can be defined as anything that was made before 2006 and isn't a Range Rover/Tahoe/Escalade/BMW/Mercedes) Sometimes I'll drive laps around the beltline (careful not to go outside of it) just to use more gas in hopes that I'm lowering the supply and making the price go up. I'm not sure if this actually works because I don't really understand the economy. I'm sorry, I've gotten off topic, I was so confused as to why the signs on the door of Nelson's (RIP) were so small, but then it hit me, the smaller the sign, the more exclusive Foster's at Cameron Village will be. If there was a huge banner hung from the Broughton bell tower, all those douchebag gel heads would see it on their way to "Tool Pigeons" or that run down warehouse they call a bar named "Lucky B's" or "Around the Corner" or whatever the fuck they call it. Seriously gel heads, just pick a name and stick with it. Having such a small sign will ensure that Foster's continues to be exclusive as shit. We have to make sure it stays that way, so those downtown commoners won't show up and spread their STDs all over the place.

More importantly, Foster's is back in its original location, and it's about fuckin' time. I was going through withdrawal from Nelson's, (and cocaine of course, it's almost impossible to do in Foster's because that bathroom is so disgusting, it's a good thing I could at least go to Churchill's and just do it right off the bar). One thing I am going to miss about the Five Points Foster's is the size of the building. There was nothing better than spending 19 minutes standing in the 4 foot wide space between the bar and the booths as I would try to walk from the front of the building to the dance floor. It was nice to spend that time conversing with fellow ITBers who were 2 inches away from my face. I can only hope that the staff from Nelson's who went to work at Foster's at Five Points will come back to where Nelson's used to be so they can work at Foster's in Cameron Village. If that's confusing to you, it's not to these guys. They know that where ever I go there's a ton of money being spent on jager bombs and huge tips. Instead of wasting time getting real jobs, they stay where they know I'll be spending tons of money three nights a week. Their level of service is impeccable, especially from that 40-year old, although that should probably be expected from someone who's been in the business for so long. The bouncers are on point as well. An ITB friend of mine noticed that the bouncers aren't actually checking your birth date on your ID, they're checking your ZIP code. That's right OTBers, don't even bother. Keep up the good work guys, the real world can wait another ten years. As much as I hate to see Nelson's closing, it's reassuring to know that the exact same bar is taking its place. Finally, I can go out at night confident that I won't run into anyone that I don't know. Thank you new owners (dad) of Foster's in Cameron Village, you have given me, and many others, a reason to live.

Nelson's: the Mecca of ITB?

I'm no Iraqi expert, but I'm pretty sure those signs say "Open Nelson's", or possibly "Muhammed loves Nelson's" or just "Death To the Infidels", regardless, it is now official that the fate of Nelson's is an international issue, and the Iraqiis know who I am.

As you can see, the people of Iraq have finally heard about the state of affairs in which Nelson's currently finds itself. After somehow finding access to this website, angry mobs poured into the streets of Iabakalaqara to protest, among other things, the current state of Nelson's. As protesters continued their jihad by attacking the already crumbling buildings of Iabakalaqara, many voices could be overheard. "Where will they film "Girls Gone Wild ITB?", demanded one protester. "How will William Needham Finley IV, who can't even find Iraq on a map, survive a Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night without Nelson's?", remarked another. These comments were later drowned out by raucous chants of "Death to Stool Pigeons, death to the gel-heads, Nelson's is Mecca!". These guys are pissed, and rightfully so. I've heard that some of these jihadists believe Nelson's to be their "paradise", where they expect to find 72 virgins awaiting them after completing their jihad. Unfortunately, as much as I agree that Nelson's is the ITB version of "paradise" or Mecca (or whatever they believe), it has never at any time contained 72 virgins. Sorry Ahkbar, but your protests aren't going to do much good, even the local media isn't concerned with what's happening to Nelson's. In an attempt to get some answers to all of these questions, I sent the e-mail shown below to this future cougar at News 14 Carolina. She still hasn't responded.

Future Cougar Heather Childers - News 14 Carolina

From: William Needham Finley IV <raleighitb@gmail.com>toHeather.Childers@news14.com
Date: Thu, Apr 10, 2008 at 4:49 PM
Subject: Coverage of a critical story

Dear Heather,

I'm a huge fan of the news, especially when you're the anchor. Your professionalism and journalistic integrity is captivating. I'm writing to find out why News 14 hasn't been covering the rise and historic fall of Nelson's. In case you don't know, Nelson's is a restaurant and bar in Cameron Village that is close in proximity to Needham B. Broughton High School. Attendance to Nelson's has plummeted recently, mainly due to some mechanical issues they have had with their kitchen. I'm fairly certain they are still open for business, as I'm there from Thursday through Saturday, however, only a few people regularly attend this bar. I'm afraid that many of Nelson's former patrons think that it has closed forever. I would hate to let such a terrible rumor ruin such a fine establishment. Please let me know if you have any reporters currently covering this story. If you don't, I would appreciate it if you started covering this immediately. Maybe you could move some of the Sports reporters over to this story. I'm positive that the majority of inside-the-belt line residents are a lot more concerned with the fate of Nelson's than the worthless Charlotte Bobcats. Thank you for your help on this critical story.


William Needham Finley IV
ITB
Raleigh, 27605
raleighitb@gmail.com

Hopefully, shit will get done now that I've contacted the right people. Even if News 14 doesn't get their act together, I'm glad that someone cares enough about Nelson's to violently protest in the streets.